A Bad Joke By God

0:00 Hey y 'all, this is Cowboy Eddie Long, and you are listening to What The Fu - Lil' Valerie the Dachshund escaped her house And was living on this island. And they set up cameras to try and like figure out where the hell she was. And she would pop into frame for like mere seconds and then disappear for like weeks at a time. And they're like, where the fuck is this dog? So like literally after 529 days, they finally caught this little shit and brought her back to their family. And now she's going on like a little like national tour in Australia. Nice. I'm like, y 'all better watch or she's going to escape again. So the dog for nearly two years. Mm -hmm.

0:50 Living in the wild on this island. This dog was in the bush. And they had cameras up so they'd see her. I mean, was she living with fucking gorillas and kangaroos and shit or wolves? Like, I guess, local wild dogs and stuff. No kidding. Yeah. This little dachshund just beep boop. They said they had gotten close to her a couple times and tried to catch her. But if anybody has a dachshund, which my mother does so I can attest to this, they are like a bullet out of a fucking gun when they don't want to be caught. They are so fast. You would never think that they could be that fast. But trust me. My son has three of them. Yeah. They're like a bullet shot from a gun when they're like, you think you'll go catch me? Not today. Gone. You know what, Sammy?

1:35 The dachshund was originally a hunting dog. Yeah. They used to hunt like badgers, right? They'd go down in these fucking badger holes, rabbit holes, whatever the fuck, and get them out, which I thought was pretty cool because we had dachshunds. And I was like, yeah, it's just a weenie dog, you know, some sort of bad joke by God, but it's not. These dudes are actually Billy Badasses. bad joke they're not to be fucked with they're adorable they're not to be fucked with yeah they're at any time that my dog has my mom's dog has gotten out uh literally i she is speed incarnate like how do you move so fast that is that is the best So yes, little shit has been returned home off of Kangaroo Island. I've got two things going on right now. So I moved into this new neighborhood and HOA fee. It's reasonable, right?

2:34 But we live in a nice neighborhood and the HOA clearly works here and they're not assholes. Or at least when it comes to kind of what you want to do to your yard. Except they sued me. Because I didn't pay my HOA fee. I was like, well, I thought that was included when I just moved in. I said, what is it? But it's already gone to the lawyer before they even contacted me. What the fuck? No big deal. So I'm not going to pay it. They can fuck off. I mean, I'll pay it eventually, but I'm going to make them. It's probably only going to hurt me. That's one. The second one is Master's Lawn Care here in St. John's County. If you live in St. John's County, Florida, fuck Master's Lawn Care. Cancel them. Cancel the fuck out of them. I started off with a mom and pop, and that's who was cutting my grass, and they did a great job. Then this guy sold out to Masters Lawn Care. And Masters had done several acquisitions. It's Googleable. You can look it up. And at some point, they have me two payments behind, although I was on auto pay the whole time, and kept paying for them to cut the grass even after we moved out, right?

3:33 Didn't have to do that. So they're trying to get me for $300. I'm not going to pay that. Their accounting faux pas are not my fucking problem. And then Invitation Homes. I've been with Invitation Homes where I was renting before I bought this house. Trying to get me for $3 ,500, $3 ,600. Damn, Don. That is outside of my $1 ,800 deposit. I'm like, motherfucker, this house is in way better shape with me leaving it as a facilities manager. I know how to keep a house and our building in good shape than it ever was before we got it. Now you took my $1 ,800. Now you're trying to charge me another $3 ,600 or $3 ,200, whatever it is. Over $3 ,000. And fees for all these different things. Go fuck yourself. I'm going to sue them.

4:15 I'll take them to court for that. That's some bullshit. Yeah, it is. But that's how people think that they continue. And I already mailed something back to them. I took their sheet, ripped it up, and put on there, this is harassment. Next time, you're going to hear from my attorney, which now they have to hear from my attorney. Some people just say, fuck it and pay it because they're scared. I am not paying it. I'm not. I don't give a shit about that stuff. These thieving ass. What I'll do is I'll use my platform, though, to say that be careful if you're renting with Invitation Homes because they're a bunch of fucking thieves. Invitation Homes people, fuck you. You're a thief. Same thing with Masters Lawn Care in St. Johns County. Go fuck yourself. You're thieves. I pay my bills, right? Most people do. Some people don't, and I get that. But your accounting issues are not my problem. I have a similar AT &T story.

5:03 Previously, I had AT &T Internet. It started out as AT &T U -verse, which completely sucked balls. upgraded to AT &T Fiber, which was really good, I got to say. That's what I have. I love it. It was super fast, never lost service. It was great. And then Google Fiber moved into the neighborhood. My street became one of the first streets in Nashville to have Google Fiber. So I signed up for it, had to obviously get rid of AT &T. So I called them and I said, Send me my last bill. What do I owe? I'm switching over. They tried to keep me. They did the three value attempts to get me to their preferred customer rep or whatever. And I'm like, look, I'm going with Google Fiber. Tell me what my final bill is, and I'll return whatever you need me to return. I'll return a box, whatever. You know, kind of one of those. Just tell me what I fucking owe.

5:46 Like, what is my final bill? So they said, okay, here's what you owe. Fine, no problem. Paid it. Google Fiber came in. I've had Google Fiber ever since. About six months later, I get a collections notice from AT &T saying I fucking still owe them fucking money. So I called them and I told this person on the phone, in no way, shape or form are you getting, it's stupid money. It's like $45. I said, I'm sure you have a record of interactions of when I call to cancel the service. There should be something in there saying, what is my final bill? What do I owe to get rid of, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I paid it. Where is this $45 coming from? And he couldn't come up with the correct answer that I needed. So I have a $45 collection from AT &T, and every now and then they'll call me or they'll send me an email. And you know what, AT &T, you're not getting that $45 just because I'm not going to fucking give it to you. You can do whatever the fuck you want with that.

6:36 Don't give a fuck. Don't care. And whoever Camino... Jen Zaburro is at rtewtwtw2332 at gmail .com. You just sent me a scam email on the WTF podcast email account. Go fuck yourself. This invoice saying that your PayPal. Oh, Jesus. Already? The first email? Yeah, yeah. Listen, folks. Take that shit and fucking shove it up your ass sideways. Well, I mean, they're going to find the email addresses because. Oh, yeah. It is what it is. Oh, yeah. I pulled the first one up, and I opened the PDF. I mean, I'm not worried about my phone, so I opened it up, and it's like, we just charged $7 .99 to your PayPal account. Well, it's kind of funny because there was no PayPal account associated with that Gmail address. Right. Yeah, I don't get that, man. But here's the thing.

7:24 People are, especially senior citizens. And that will slow down because the senior citizens, like I am a senior citizen almost officially, but guys and gals my age now have used computers, right? The Gen Xers. We've used computers for a good part of our lives. you know millennials you guys have always had computers you know what life is like without computers and of course the gen z and gen alphys you guys are computer fucking experts and so that scammy shit is going to really really come down down down but right now we still have we still have boomers and older that Kind of have some experience with computers, but don't have enough to be knowledgeable to know that that's a fucking scam. So I keep forgetting to tell you guys about this. And I really want to call this guy back or whoever these people are that are doing this. But I got this call March 31st. That's how long it's been since I keep on forgetting to tell you. But I got this call and it came from a Jersey area code. I still know a few people in Jersey, but I let it go to voicemail. Like a 609 number? 973. Hey, this is David from Walmart. A pre -authorized purchase of PlayStation 5 with special edition and Pulse 3D headset is being ordered from your Walmart account for an amount of $919 .45. To cancel your order or to connect with one of our customer support representatives, please press 1. That's not how much a PlayStation 5 costs, but okay.

8:51 And this scam has been going around word for word for a long time, like probably since the PS5s were unavailable for the first two years, right? So I've been meaning to call this guy back. So I want to talk to David, first of all. So I'm going to be that idiot. I'm going to be like, I need to talk to David. So get David on the phone. Of course, they'll probably put me on hold, and then I'll probably get some Pakistani whose name is David, because that's totally believable. And I'm going to tell him, look, I got your voicemail, but there is no problem. I did order that PS5 with the headset. And it's here. I got it already. And I already got it. What's the problem? Why are you sending me a voicemail? I want to see what they say. yeah i already got it dude all right it's i've been fucking i've been fucking with it today dude all day i'm playing i've been playing call of duty all day every day bruh heard yeah so what's the problem or is this just a scam oh it's just a scam i got you okay okay yeah i get the yeah i get the hey this is tara from uh this is tara from fucking you know dickhead financial your eighty thousand dollar loan has been approved we just haven't heard from you like okay well here's the thing yeah i didn't apply for a loan i don't want your money we're good i get text messages all the time that are like oh hey blah blah blah and it like seems like it's somebody who like just text the wrong number yeah and i'm like this is dumb however i did accidentally get added to a group chat that did include some numbers that were like people that i actually like no they were moms that i had met and i think they meant to send

10:22 it to a different samantha and i got included in this and they're talking about like a mom's weekend and it's like a whole thing and i was like i'm just not going to respond because i don't want them to be like oh my god who's this weirdo in our chat but i'm like i'm pretty sure they meant to send this to a different samantha because it's all virginia moms that i had met like years ago when my child was like itty bitty yeah So I was like, that's funny. Well, what's 208 area code? What is that? That I do not know. I got you, dog. I got you. We're going to have some fun here. That is in, it's like Boise City, Idaho. Idaho, okay. Idaho. Udaho. Udaho. I'm going to say this phone number on air, and I'm not going to edit it. Whoever has the phone number 208 -771 -0426, on May 7th, I got a random text.

11:16 Hey, Anna, let's play golf tomorrow. Yeah, I get ones like that that are like, oh, hey, Marie, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like. Yeah, I said, wrong number. No. And then she comes back with, I'm Emily. Isn't this Anna? Nope, I'm Jake. Oh, my God, I'm sorry. I entered the wrong number. I hope I didn't disturb you, Jake. I said, no worries. They always say that. No worries, Emily. Thank you. You are a friendly person. God always makes people meet and come together in a mysterious way. If you're also near California, welcome to join us. I said, ha, I wish. I'm in Tennessee. Have fun, though. And then she finishes up with, that's great. Tennessee has always been a place I've planned to go. I've always wanted to travel to Tennessee, but my job is terrible. Maybe we can keep in touch for a long time. I'll treat you to dinner when I arrive. Yeah. I was almost tempted to take her up on the dinner. Like, OK, so when are you coming to Tennessee? I'm going to take you to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. And that's where you're going to buy me my fucking dinner, bitch. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I get those texts, too.

12:11 And I'm like, what is the point of these? Like, what what is there other than to inconvenience me for like five minutes out of my day? Like, yeah. What was the point of this conversation? Well, I was just entertaining it long enough to see. Yeah. No, no, no. But I'm saying I've done the same thing where I've had them and they'll be like, oh, you're such a nice person. And I'm like, no, I'm not. You don't fucking know me. I could be a serial killer for all you know. Yep. Like, it just doesn't make sense because it's like they don't ever actually ask you for anything. But it's like, what was the point of you inconveniencing me and I don't get that five minutes of my life back? I'm still randomly getting the E -ZPass text messages. I haven't gotten one of those in a hot sec. They keep moving the deadline date back. Like, they keep giving me grace with that because they keep saying something bad is going to happen and nothing bad has happened.

12:53 Well, I love the fact that they're on hotmail .com accounts too. Yeah. Gmail .com, like, whatever. Yeah. I got another one the other day. It was like, you know, Florida and something's, you know what they say when, and I've been in companies before where we had the fishing training. And so an A written like we write it and an A written like, you know, they're not the same thing. Right. Go fuck yourself.