Best Of the Chaos (So Far)

0:00 previously on what the fuck they did an ultrasound and when you're so early on they can do an abdominal but it's not as accurate so they have to do they call it transvaginal where you pretty much get a long nice it's like a giant dildo they stick up pretty much got a probe in it yeah so you get probed yeah so a very good time and so the the tech is like okay Very good time. The tech gets, you know, she's like, I'm going to extra lube it up for you. And, you know, and so, you know. Does the thing have a vibrator function on it? I wish. That baby be moving, I bet. It's massage therapy. Oh my God. But so, you know, she puts the long probe in and I'm covering everything.

0:49 My husband's just sitting there. I was like, damn, I haven't had this much action since I've been pregnant. And my husband's like, oh my. My husband's like, what the fuck? In my cabin, I have these log beds. They're made. of logs. They're not dovetailed. There's screws involved and that sort of thing, but it's heavy duty logs. Heavy wood. And then cleaners will send pictures of any damage caused by guests or anything unusual requires extra cleaning. So I get this picture and this is a turn, which means people left at 11. They got five hours to clean it at four o 'clock. New guests are coming in. People coming in. Get it done. We got to get it looking brand spanking new, pristine by four o 'clock. They sent me a picture of this bed, and when I tell you the bed was twisted, the logs were distorted in a way that I cannot describe adequately. But this had never happened before. It's never happened since. Nobody had informed me about a problem with the bed. So I reach out to them, and I message the picture of this bed that is completely destroyed.

1:56 And I said, hey, my bed is broken. What they said next was, what the fuck? At the pro level, huh? Oh, yeah. They said, what's the weight limit on that bed? When I was flying helicopters in the Navy, I had a little funny moment, and I was in training. Jet engine oil is called Millel 23699. This shit will kill you. And I licked some off the side of the airplane, you know, off the helicopter, flying 860s. And we have these big doors wide open. We're cruising. This qualified crew chief looked at me like, you're an idiot, dude. I'm like, yeah, well, fuck off. And we're tough guys. But we were on final. We were going to get some gas, and we were going to go to the Piedmont line. So this is how long ago it was. I had met my future ex -wife there.

2:39 I had puked out the door, and I had just eaten a big ham and cheese sub. And it went right out, and it came right back in, and it swirled. It was called the Flight of the Swirling Yak. One of our crew chiefs, Jim Gorthy. Oh, no. Did you say the Flight of the Swirling Yak? The Flight of the Swirling Yak. And Gorthy was a crew chief, a door gunner who'd been around for a long time. He drew a picture. He would draw things, pencil drawings. And that fucking picture is still out there floating around somewhere. Me and Sparky puked out that fucking door. It sent puke swirling through that fucking cabin all the way up, hit the windscreen, the whole thing, all of this fucking 860. Woman calls AAA during a standoff to fix... A tire that the police had just spiked.

3:23 AAA ain't gonna cover that. 45 -year -old woman was arrested Wednesday and accused of leading police on a high -speed chase on I -70 and then calling for roadside assistance after the officer spiked her tire. They tried to spike her tire twice. They were successful the second time. She stopped the car. They're trying to get her to come out of the car. So it's a standoff, right? And they're telling her, hey, you're caught. I mean, just get out of your fucking car. While they're yelling at her through the bullhorn or whatever, she's on the fucking phone with AAA. hey, I got a flat tire. Can you guys come fix it? AAA transferred the call to the police, who in turn transferred the call to a trooper at the scene. I guess dispatch called the cops that had her pulled over at a standoff, and they were like, hey, this woman just called AAA to get her flat tire fixed. You guys pop. I'm trying to figure out the thought process that happens here. Well, there's probably a reason she was in a high -speed chase. She's not all there.

4:14 Felony high -speed chase. She got fucking spiked and had the fucking balls to call AAA to come fix her tire while the cops are screaming at her. Possible shootout. I got to party with this chick. First dumbass mistake I ever made was gave him a dat tape with all of our music mixed on it. He walked out and didn't hear from him. Like two weeks. He was like, oh, yeah, they're going to love this. This is the fact that I'm working on it with you. We're getting it tailored to what I think they want. Two weeks go by. I don't hear back. You know, what's the deal? And it's starting to get closer to opening day for the Dodgers, right? And I would call the guy, finally got a hold of me. He goes, oh, well, you know what happened? They decided they were going to go with something else. And I'm like, oh, well, okay. Thanks. Thanks for giving it a shot with us. That's cool. I hung up the phone.

5:08 I was just like, okay, well, whatever. We'll try to, you know, keep going. You don't let one door close and keep finding the right door. I'm a baseball fan. Opening day, I decide, okay, I'm going to watch the Dodger game. I'm not a Dodger fan. I'm a Cubs fan, but I'll watch the Dodger game. I'm sitting there. And guess what comes on? Oh, my God. I was afraid you were going to say that. And I said, what the fuck? That's our music they're playing. That is bullshit. If you order a Whopper or a Double Whopper, and if you don't tell them anything to change on it, it will come with onions, lettuce, tomatoes, mayo, you know, the whole nine yards, right? Onions just come automatically unless you tell them don't put onions on it. Right. Hey, let me get a Whopper. with no onions nine times out of ten they're not making that sandwich special for me they're taking one that's already been wrapped up they're gonna take the top bun off and they're gonna pick the onions off that's what they do you can argue with me all day long but that's what they do i've had it happen to me enough times where i order no onions in their first bite i could still taste the onion because that onion leaves a flavor trail behind that is unmistakable and i will gag and i will take the sandwich back and i'll be like make me another goddamn sandwich this time don't pick the onions off just put it together with no fucking onions oh yeah I'm getting animated now because how fucking hard is it to just make a sandwich, assemble it without onions? Sammy, were you taken aback when Don said, you know, that we call them old ladies? No, I've heard that terminology before.

6:31 Yeah. Do you know what the other term is if you're not an old lady? If you're just a chick that hangs around the bikers, you know what we call them? I know I've heard it before, but I can't for the life of me remember right now. Sweet butt. Nice. If you're just a sweet butt, then that means you're fair game to anyone. But if you're an old lady, that's fucking hands off. Never touch a man's motorcycle or his old lady. Trust you with my wife, but not my motorcycle or my wife. Yeah. Hey, this is David from Walmart. A pre -authorized purchase of PlayStation 5 with special edition and Pulse 3D headset is being ordered from your Walmart account for an amount of $919 .45 to cancel your order or to connect with one of our customer support representatives.

7:15 Please press 1. That's not how much a PlayStation 5 costs, but okay. And this scam has been going around word for word for a long time, like probably since the PS5s were unavailable for the first two years, right? So I've been meaning to call this guy back. So I want to talk to David, first of all. So I'm going to be that idiot. I'm going to be like, I need to talk to David. So get David on the phone. Of course, they'll probably put me on hold, and then I'll probably get some Pakistani whose name is David. Because that's totally believable. Right. And I'm going to tell him, look, I got your voicemail, but there is no problem. I did order that PS5 with the headset. And it's here. I got it already. And I already got it. What's the problem? Why are you sending me a voicemail? I want to see what they say. Yeah, I already got it, dude. I've been fucking with it today, dude, all day. I've been playing Call of Duty all day, every day, bruh. Heard. Yeah, so what's the problem? I'm Jake Jacobs, and you're listening to What The Fuck. Hey, y 'all, this is Jake coming at you today without the Don and without Sammy.

8:25 The Don is on an Alaskan cruise on a cruise ship. He calls it the the old dude cruise. We will catch up with Don next week. And Sammy is busy being a super mom. And I've been kind of busy dealing with bullshit with the V .A. as usual. But we will get the gang back together next week. I promise. So enjoy this episode as just a little bit of a mid -season recap, and we'll see you guys next week.