I'm Your Huckleberry

0:00 I got a f***ing hair in my mouth. What the f*** is going on here? Well, I wonder why. I'm a f***er. Anyway. While the band's out drinking and getting strange wool, you're working. So, don't be a f***er. Yeah. It doesn't say anything dumb like, eat at the Y. No, it's literally just a half sun, half moon that I had drawn that he transposed onto me. On dry sterile dressing. Not duct tape. As long as it's sterile. Jesus. There is something to be said about rodent. That's all I'm going to say about that. Well, in my case, it wouldn't be skinny dipping. It would be chunky dunking. Better fucking do what you son of a bitch. Motherfucker, one more time. Catholicism. Catholicism. Whatever.

0:41 I don't fucking know the word for it. Catholicism. So please. So maybe I'm not fucking crazy. Well, you're fucking crazy. Well, my throat is properly lubricated. That did not sound right. That was exactly what you said. Pause. The thought went through my head and it came out of my mouth. You need to stop talking, dude. Yeah, yeah. Not for nothing, Jake, but I'm here to help. I'm Jake Jacobs. This is Sammy. This is the Don. And you're listening to What the Fuck? Welcome to What the Fuck, the podcast where we say all the things you're thinking, but probably shouldn't.

1:22 You ever had something so good, so fucking positive that you just go, what the fuck, dude? I get to do this every day, or I live here. This happened to my wife and I. We lived in Arizona. And what brought it up is it happened again two days ago. We used to wake up every morning in our backyard with a swimming pool, fucking beer fridge back there, big screen TV. And we looked at the fucking mountains from our backyard. It was phenomenal. And I remember sitting back there and we were like. Wow. We live here. So she met me at the shop the other day. Of course, I left my fucking fog lights on. I finally fucked it up and left it on. So I burned my battery up. I went outside. The fog light was flashing. It was trying to hang in there. Help me. Oh, shit. So I put it on the battery tender and I said, hey, can I ride your motorcycle to work? And it's Friday.

2:08 She always meets me at the shop. Anyway, she comes over there. We have a couple of beers, whatever we do. And we listen to music and then we ride home down the beach. A1A. Beautiful. So she shoots me this thing and she says, look at this Cajun restaurant that just opened up. The owner's from New Orleans. So let's go check it out. Anyway, she came over, listened to some great tunes. It's a blues player, dude. This guy was tearing ass. We took off. Beautiful, sunny day. Not a cloud in the sky. And we sat down in front right on the Atlantic Ocean at this Cajun restaurant. I'm eating crawfish and gumbo. And she's eating these fucking Cajun shrimp. And we're looking out at this fucking glassy ocean. Atlantic Ocean's perfect. The sun's perfect. The temperature's perfect. Everything is. We're like, what? fuck how did this happen to us you know we get to live here but the point is it can also be something very positive and for those of you in the field out there in our Awesome audience. We hold each other up. You know, this is our therapy. And positivity breeds positivity.

3:00 We know that. But sometimes we just like to shit talk. And we shit talk each other worse than anything else. So we don't give a fuck. I just thought I wanted to bring that up. You know, heckling has been going on for a long time. Like comedians have been dealing with hecklers. But it's also, it's funny when it ties into it. And it's like just like a little sprinkle here and there. It does. Like to add to the comedy of it. But when you're just being annoying to be annoying, it's not funny anymore. If the performer plays off of you, right? Right. Otherwise, shut the fuck up. Correct. There's plenty of examples of this on YouTube, but this is just one that I saw recently where a husband and wife were there. The wife had a little bit too much to drink and she was heckling this comedian and the comedian, he was handling it like any comedian would. Well, she was getting madder by the minute, the more he was handling it because she thought she was in charge. She thought she was the main star of the fucking show. Then her husband gets involved. And her husband says, move along, move on to your next joke. Tell your wife to shut the fuck up. The comedian just stood there and he's like, I'm not saying another fucking word until security kicks these two motherfuckers out. Because I don't fucking play that bullshit.

4:08 I would have done the same thing. And they got kicked out. I would have been like, oh, you want to act like a child? Guess what? You're going to get treated like one. You are not the director of my fucking comedy show. So if you're getting mad because your wife is drunk, if she's heckling me and I'm handling my business and she's getting mad at that, that's your fucking problem. Sounds like you got some issues too, bitch. Why would you go to a comedy show and instigate something like that? I don't understand it. You went with an agenda to that. That was just un -fucking -clocked. Move on. Move on to your next joke. No, sorry. Well, I actually witnessed this one time for real. I went to Zany's Comedy Club here in Nashville, Don. Do you remember Tim Wilson? I do. So Tim Wilson was a comedian. He did a stand -up act, but he also recorded songs. But the songs were comedy songs. Oh, so kind of like Bo Burnham, like what he does. I think you and I were at that show together. We were at one of those shows together with Tim. It might have...

4:57 been so because jim lightman got us tickets to see this we got like vip seats or whatever tim came out and was doing a show and he was fucking hilarious and a man started heckling him now this man was a veteran so of course you know you think a comedian is going to cut this dude some slack no he was starting to be a karen and he was starting to cross that line from between being a heckler and being a fucking pain in the ass and at one point tim was digging into this guy's ass so bad the guy was doing Heckling was getting pissed. And Tim's like, did you think because you're a veteran that I'm going to fucking take it easy on you? No, you came here to fuck with me. So game on motherfucker. Like he gave zero fucks. As you should. Nobody's immune. This is what these people do for a living, right?

5:42 People have some fucking gall, man. People are experts in their own mind. A lot of times. Legend in their own mind. Yeah. Thinking they're like masters of like everything. And you're like. No. I'm a big fan of comedic intellect. If you want to hear the truth, go listen to an intelligent comedian or somebody who's speaking in terms of world facts and views. Those motherfuckers are smart and you're going to have a real hard time out negotiating them, so to speak, you know, or out funnying them. It's a free country. Freedom of speech, right? Yes, there is freedom of speech. However, you go to a comedy club, you add alcohol to that freedom of speech, and you decide that you're going to inject your main character syndrome into the comedy show, and you get torn apart.

6:25 Don't cry about it, because when they tear your ass apart, there's no freedom of speech at that point. Freedom of speech, our First Amendment, reminding the government that they cannot limit your speech, even if that speech is a hate speech. That is still freedom of speech. And say things against the government. That's freedom of speech. What I say to Jake has nothing to do with freedom of speech. If I go to a comedy club and I'm yapping, that has nothing to do with free speech in a political sense. But freedom of speech has never exempted anyone from the resultant retort. So you fuck around. Part of the process of fucking around, as we know, is finding out. You gonna find out. So fuck around and find out, basically.

7:06 I just had a real -time what the fuck happened just outside the window. This is how shit happens, right? So it has been raining since early this morning. And it was raining when we started recording. And my street is a haven for people walking their dogs, walking their kids. Walking their kids. A couple minutes ago, I don't know if you saw me look over and make a face, but this dude was walking his dog with a baby. I'm assuming there was a baby in the stroller. And it was pouring down, raining. Enough to where the dog was stopping like every couple inches to shake the water off. And I'm like, you know, I'm all about walking a kid and walking a dog. But obviously when you left your house, whatever neighborhood that you're in. It was either raining or looked like it was going to rain. And now you have your kid and your dog in that pouring rain. They're going to be soaked. I at least thought, what the fuck?

7:50 Hopefully it's not like a legit infant. I mean, I don't know. It was a stroller, so that's all I know. Real time, what the fuck happens. Listen, that's lit, Jake. No cap. Lit? I mean, maybe that was that dude's flex. I'll just wait until you start getting the Gen Alphas that come in saying, like, that's so Ohio. What the skibbity? Yeah, that's fucking low -key. I don't know what half that shit means. That's low -key slinging shade, baby. So, Jake, tell us about when you walk into a restaurant and you order something with no goddamn onions. Because you can't just pull an onion off without onion residual being on there. It's just too fucking late. You've got to start over. You know, I don't think I've ever talked about this. I fucking hate. Raw onions.

8:32 Raw onions, right. I can't eat them. Do you make an exception for in salsa? No, I can't even do salsa. So it's no pico de gallo onions, none of that. Yeah, because pico, they use those fucking red onions too. They're strong as fuck. Yeah, they are. But raw onions, I will gag and I will barf. Those two things will happen sequentially, okay? Damn, Jake. However. I can eat them if they're cooked. So you'll eat them slimy but not raw. Is it a texture thing? No, no. There's a different texture between a raw onion and a cooked onion, right? It's the acidity in a raw onion that will just make me sick. I can't do it. Now, I can eat a raw radish, which is a very close relative to the onion, super close. I'm fine with radishes, but some people are going to be like, well, why don't you just do a Vidalia onion? It's the same thing. Something in the genetic makeup of onions in general that they share that you can't have. So if I go to a burger place, Don and I's favorite burger place is Burger King. If you order a Whopper or a Double Whopper, and if you don't tell them anything to change on it, it will come with onions, lettuce, tomatoes, mayo, you know, the whole nine yards, right?

9:34 Onions just come automatically unless you tell them don't. put onions on it. Right. Hey, let me get a Whopper with no onions. Nine times out of 10, they're not making that sandwich special for me. They're taking one that's already been wrapped up. They're going to take the top bun off and they're going to pick the onions off. That's what they do. You can argue with me all day long, but that's what they do. I've had it happen to me enough times where I order no onions, and the first bite, I can still taste the onion because that onion leaves a flavor trail behind that is unmistakable, and I will gag, and I will take the sandwich back, and I'll be like, make me another goddamn sandwich. This time, don't pick the onions off. Just put it together with no fucking onions. Oh, yeah. I'm getting animated now because how fucking hard is it to just make a sandwich, assemble it, Without onions. And then the part two to that is a lot of these places have these vegetables that they use for their sandwiches, Subway, burger places, okay? They will use the same goddamn knife to cut the onion as they will the tomatoes or the pickles or whatever else they're using, right? Even if they assemble it without onions, because they sliced that tomato with the same knife that they sliced the onion, guess what I'm tasting? Onion. Now, you can call that nitpicky as fuck, but I call it... I don't want to taste fucking onion. That's a pretty powerful. Here's the thing, though. It's not for anyone to say what you like and don't like.

10:50 None of us like to get over dramatized with anything, but sometimes it's necessary. Yeah. Right. When you walk in there and say, listen, guys, it's kind of like peanut allergies. If you say you have a peanut allergy, when you buy a plane ticket, they remove peanuts for everybody. I mean, there is not a peanut on the plane. So my recommendation is this because people get what they give. If you go in there and you are like, listen, guys, I love you guys. You're the best Burger King on the planet. Please do me a favor because I am deathly allergic to the tryptophanic lecithin vitamin DL 12 .29er within Vidalia onions, which is what you use here at Burger King. I don't know if you knew that or not. Please make me a hamburger that has not touched onions. The knife has not touched onions because it will fucking kill me dead. Right in your restaurant.

11:39 Unless you want to call the meat wagon over here to pick Jake up. So I have kind of a tie -in to a guest that we had that the episode didn't air because JJ's microphone was all kinds of fucked up and there was all kinds of noise happening. But when I was stationed in Texas, JJ and I and a couple of friends went to Corpus Christi one night. We were out partying. And of course, you know, at two o 'clock in the morning, you get hungry. You want a burger. Or Taco Bell. So we went to, we went to Whataburger and I ordered a double and I said, no onions. So we all get our food and we drove back to the club that we were at because the club was still open. It was one of those after hours clubs. And I bit into this fucking burger. First fucking bite. Like they didn't even try to take the onions off. They were still on. It was like, I think there was fucking onions on there. Ew. They probably heard me say no onions and they're probably like, fuck this guy. Right? So I bit into it and I literally just fucking yacked. Like I leaned out the fucking door and fucking yacked. JJ was so fucking pissed. JJ said, Jake, get back in the fucking car. She got behind the wheel and drove back to the fucking Whataburger. And they're open like 24 -7. She walked in there and she fucking threw it at him. She's like, what part of fucking no onions did she fucking lit them up? If JJ had gone any further with it, they probably would have called the cops on us. I mean, they gave me another burger and it didn't have onions on it, but it probably had fucking spit and fucking pubes. Accidentally hit the floor a couple times before it made it onto the bun. Yeah, when we get JJ back, I want to ask her if she remembers that. But yeah, she was hot. Ireland got a... taco bell wait they haven't had one no they never had taco bell in ireland and they are finally getting taco bell over there and there are a lot of people both civilian and people that work for like the cities that are

13:12 like i don't think our old sewage system infrastructure truly is going to be able to handle what is the quote was uh and it said expert which makes me think expert is like Joe Schmo on the street was saying. He's like, you think our old sewage pipes can take the addition of Taco Bell outlets, dozens of these diarrhea cannons constantly firing off? Lunacy. Okay. Wow. That was the quote I got. I was like, you know, they've never had a Taco Bell. So they're like, they don't think they can handle it. I'm just trying to figure out what a Burrito Supreme is going to taste like after about four or five Guinnesses. Don't tell me. Probably delightful. Because I got a Taco Bell within walking distance from where I live. I know. I've got one like within a mile and a half of my house. And my wife's a big fucking fan of Guinness. So we'll go over there. We'll test that theory. Well, at least he didn't say bruh. You did say bro. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. So that being said, I say we road trip. We get us a flight together and we go eat Taco Bell. I need to try the Ireland Taco Bell. Irish tacos. There's a song in there somewhere, Jake. There has to be.

14:16 I will say in France, just like you heard in the movie Pulp Fiction, where John Travolta is talking about you can get a beer at a Burger King. Yes, that is true. Pulp Fiction, baby. The drinking age is much younger, too. I went to a Burger King in Dubai, which is a magnificent city. Oh, my God. Oh, yes, it is. And this Burger King was inside of a mall, and this mall was like three times the size of the Mall of America. It was just amazing. I went in there, and it had been a couple months since I had had a Whopper. So I went in there, and I'm like, I just want to. Double Whopper with cheese, no onions. I got that Whopper and it was the best fucking Whopper I ever had in my fucking life. And they didn't put any onions on it and it tasted good. It tasted like a Whopper from the States. It didn't taste any fucking different. The reason I like Burger King here is because it's beef, never frozen, blah, blah, blah. A couple of years ago, I used to be not political, but anti against a certain party or a certain someone. And I used to get really stressed out about that shit because I was allowing something to affect me that...

15:11 I had no control of anything that I would say or any argument that I would have with anybody. It was just a waste of my time and breath and energy to the point where I actually just had to let it go. And I literally just stopped watching the news. There is such a thing called fake news. However, your interpretation of that could be different from mine. Now, who's to say? What one person reports as news, another person will take that and interpret it. And because they've heard three other different versions of it, they're going to turn that into their truth. And then they're going to stand on that mountain and die on it. So here's where I have a problem with this. How do you unblur that line? If something newsworthy happens, even if there's video of it, now you can say, oh, well, that's just a deep AI fake. So how do you know now if something is presented to you? as news or something is presented to you as fact and have citations behind it or have things behind it that could potentially prove the validity of it. But yet all it takes is one fucking keyboard warrior to say, that's fake news. Well, just because I said it's fake news, that makes it fake news. I mean, what kind of reality are we living in now to where we don't know what's fake and what's not anymore? Who makes that or who is or what is going to draw that hard line that says, okay, this is fucking fact right here. There's no disputing this. This is what happened. You can't even do that these days. Here's the fun part right here, Jake, and the way I started looking at it, because you and I have been friends for a lot of years, and we went through that together at polar opposites of the political spectrum that we just disagreed.

16:39 And the news stopped being the news, folks, in my opinion, and I'm old, when Walter Cronkite died or when he retired, right? That was the news. At the end of the day, folks reported what happened. Here's what happened. People like to make up things and call them facts a lot of times. It's one of the things that I see on a daily basis. The people who know the least. shit talk the most everything's entertainment television the things on tiktok youtube all these different things i go down rabbit holes like everybody else and i try to learn things about the things that affect me and you pick and choose some of those things and then you find ways to you find the facts in there somehow how do you do that like i know what does and does not spike my blood sugar I don't give a shit what you say or the scientists or anything else. This is what works for Don, right? That becomes my fact. You can have people get real hardcore. And I know that we've been through this together before and even in opposition, but remain friends because we're smarter than the average bear, I think. Is people will say, you can say, listen, the sky is blue.

17:43 Well, we can agree to disagree. No, no, we really can't. Okay. We're not going to agree to disagree. It is fucking blue and you are wrong. There are those. Now what blue it is, that's your truth. But the fact that it's blue. is blue it's blue it's blue just like this badass wall behind me is yellow well it's gold okay fair fair enough man to you your truth is that it's gold in any case i stopped worrying about that My job is to do the very best I can with what I have. So I stopped worrying about things. Consequently, my anxiety went down. My blood pressure went down. All these different things. You know, we're all in this together. And it doesn't matter what we like to title ourselves or call ourselves. Everybody's got an opinion. And the beauty part, where this all ties together, is that you and I, the three of us are veterans. And sometimes we can look at each other and go, well, that was stupid. But that's my opinion. And it in no way reflects fact. Well, it's the same with the fucking news. I have always been of the opinion.

18:35 which does not make it fact that as a professional news agency, if that's what you want to call yourself, there should be some liability for falsifying information to up the entertainment value and to gather more viewers. But like anything else, there are a lot of very smart people out there all over the world who will find a loophole in the law. And that's why laws are written with all these. And you can't do this, this, this, this, this, this. And you're like, well, that's common sense. No, sir. It's not, you have to explain it because then the next thing will happen. I was like, well, it wasn't written down. I never, I didn't read that anywhere. That's my spiel on that. And it sucks, but it is what it is. So I just kind of laugh it off these days. Somebody told me this and it might've been, I thought it was you, Jake, unless you give a fuck, the happier you're going to be. That probably was me. It sounds like something I would say. So my all time favorite movie is a Western tombstone.

19:25 Yes, it is. Classic Western. Val Kilmer, rest in peace, did the best Doc Holliday that has ever been captured on film. And he has a catchphrase in that movie that he says twice. He says, I'm your Huckleberry. Not once has any version of that film ever come out where he says, I'll be your Huckleberry. but yet people will still quote that movie and say, oh, Doc Holliday in Tombstone, I'll be your huckleberry. Motherfucker, it's I'm your huckleberry, okay? Are you sure this isn't the Mandela Effect? No, I've seen that movie enough fucking times, I know. Say it right, bitch. Here's a fun thing, too, and Jake, I know you've used that term for years, in fact. Your studio, your business is named I'm Your Huckleberry Studios. For those of you who don't know, that's what we're recording. Val Kilmer said, I'm your Huckleberry in the movie. He admitted that during an interview. But the true way that that should have been stated is I'm your Hucklebearer, which are the folks we would call pallbearers, right?

20:22 But he decided to say Huckleberry. On purpose. And clearly it stuck. But yeah, I'm your huckleberry. Regardless, huckleberry, huckleberry. He never said, I'll be your. He said, I'm your.