Maybe I Should Do Xanax More Often

0:00 So how old's your mom right here? 67. She's fucking hot, dude. I know. Mustaches make y 'all menfolk look old. Well, your mustache makes you look young, if that's any consolation. Go fuck yourself twice, okay? Well, you don't have a mustache. You have a goatee. That would just clamp the fucking day down, right? To my penis. The fuck it wasn't. Yeah. I got it right here, motherfucker. Motherfucker. Shut that fucking dog up. My Jolly Green Giant just woke up. Uh -oh. Jolly Green Giant. What a cutie pie. She just woke up. No mistaking who your mommy is. All right, get out. One rhymes with grandma -haw, and the other with you pukey. That's perfect, Sammy. What did you blow just now? Everything. I blew everything.

0:50 I don't think you blew everything. Yeah, I blew every open port I could find. Whoa. Don, you're crystal clear like a mother f***er. I'm Jake Jacobs. This is Sammy. This is the Don. And you're listening to What the F***? Welcome to What the Fuck, the podcast where we say all the things you're thinking, but probably shouldn't. Well, here it is, July 7th. Good to go. Jake had an MRI this morning. Yeah, how'd that go, brother? Last week, I called my primary care doctor and said, hey, doc, last time I had an MRI, I had a small claustrophobic reaction. Wasn't bad, but it was bad enough to where the technician had to give me a little mass for my eyes and pretty much just talk me through it. So I remembered that. So this time, I reached out and I said, hey, can you hook me up? So he said, yeah, hey, I'm going to give you a one -time dose of Xanax.

1:42 I guess that's a happy pill. Yeah, anti -anxiety. Yeah, and he said, I'll mail it to you. Now, this was done early last week, but I realized that the holiday was, what, Thursday, Friday, whatever the hell that was? Friday, yeah. Well, Saturday, the mail comes, and there is no Xanax. And I'm like, okay, this is going to be a problem. Oh, no. Because Monday morning is my MRI at 8 o 'clock in the morning, and not even the main pharmacy is open. until 8 at the VA hospital. So I went to the inpatient pharmacy. They said, yeah, we'll go ahead and give it to you. Thank God. We were having discussions last week, like this might be a good day to record while I'm on Xanax because I may give less fucks than I normally do. But really all it did was it just chilled me out a little bit, and I think I actually fell asleep during the fucking MRI. I was thinking that they were probably going to have to tell me to stop snoring because it was too loud for the MRI. I did okay. So on the way back, I followed Don's suggestion, because Don said a couple episodes early on that Wendy's breakfast is the motherfucking Baconator. So yeah, that's my what the fuck.

2:40 Nice. I can't speak too much for their coffee. Navy coffee is better. Yeah. So how was everybody's Friday? I mean, you know, we recorded Friday. We did. But after we got done, what did you guys do? Did you go fucking hang out and party and fucking get it done or what? I worked. How was your weekend? I made money. Did you? And then I went and hung out at my daughter's best friend's family's house for a little bit. Nice. And did little rinky dinky fireworks. Nice. Yeah. We had a large firework show somewhere pretty close to us in Florida. And apparently this was supposed to be. a big firework show. As it turns out, it was a big firework show, but not in the way that it was planned. Lightning struck the setup and it just, everything just exploded. It blew everything up. Damn. Yeah, kind of wild, man.

3:26 Damn. I know. Beginning, middle, and end all in one shot. So, and here in Florida, so I know you folks that don't live in Florida, you've heard about Florida man and Florida shit and it's all true. So, on every fucking corner, we have a firework stand. I think the only regulation is you buy the fireworks and you stop launching them somewhere around 10 o 'clock at night. The fireworks started pretty early. You know, we got a lot of veterans around here. Of course, you know, they, they jump on the PTSD wagon. I got PTSD too, but I just don't see where it doesn't bother me at all. and my dogs don't get bothered by it. I understand those folks are out there, and I'm not trying to shit -talk you, but buy you some earplugs or something, man. I read on social media all this. I wish everybody would stop with the fireworks. I'm like, dude, it's Fourth of July, man. It's never going to stop. It's not going to stop. It's not going to stop this year. It didn't stop this year.

4:14 It was here last year, and it'll be here next year. So prepare yourself for that. Drug your dogs up. Put some headphones on. Right. Give them that real good, what is it? I saw all these things. It's like after mom gives you the cheese, the special cheese on 4th of July. Fuck yeah. Give them the little gabapentin wrapped in some cheese. Call it a day. Listen, we had a good time. My cats didn't give a shit. It sounded like fucking Beirut. It was on like Donkey Kong. Yeah, it was crazy around here. I mean, luckily my cats are not scared of fireworks, so they're good. And the house we went to, they have two dogs and they were chill the whole time. So like, it's not everybody's, but I mean. Our dogs laid in our lap, Sammy, and we watched motherfucking Landman. We started that shit over from the beginning and started watching Landman. It is. Fucking spectacular. My only observation is this, and I agree with everything that both of you just said, but I don't get the two weeks before. So I guess they buy all the pre -fireworks and they have to fire those off two weeks before. And then the actual July 4th is their show that they put on, you know, because everyone puts on their own show. So we don't have that around here.

5:18 People don't shoot them off. Because last night, a Sunday night, most people go to work Monday mornings, okay, for the folks that work. So Sunday night, it was relatively quiet up until... 10 minutes until 10 p .m. Now, 10 p .m. is where they're not supposed to shoot them off at after 10 p .m. So 10 minutes till 10 p .m., they started doing the loud boomer ones, the mortar ones. Boom! At which time I promptly opened up my bathroom window and yelled out, knock it off, you fucking asshole fucking losers, at the top of my lungs. And you know what? I never heard it anymore. Sometimes that works. They know what the law is. I'm just saying. Really? Around here, they don't start shooting them off like days ahead of time. They do them obviously 4th of July.

6:02 There were a couple going off Saturday night as well, but I haven't heard anything since then. It's been pretty quiet. I think I heard some last night, just a little bit. Some kids probably said, oh, we got a little bit left over. Like, oh, look, mom, dad forgot about this one in the back of the closet. I'm trying to get Jake to produce more videos because I think videos king. But if you look at Sammy, you're going to guess, oh, she's a cute little 16 year old. She just has no wrinkles, no fucking at all. God, I wish. And then she's hanging out with a couple of fucking old guys. And Jake and I know we don't give a shit. I assure you. No. And I don't think we look that old for our age. I think we're both like 59 this year or something. And we have a tendency to sexually harass her. But, you know, she's okay with it. The good thing is I'm the closest thing to fucking HR that we have. Which ain't saying much. Hell no, it's not saying much.

6:52 I am a fucking HR nightmare. Ask both my last companies that I was in. I'm a walking HR fuck up. And guess what else I don't care about? That. Yeah, but on the fourth whole episode, anything that Sammy wanted to do HR wise was out the window because she started talking about monster smut and then it was fucking game on. Split penis monster smut, folks. If you haven't listened to the fourth whole episode, you ain't living right. Just go do it. It's our raunchiest episode today. It is gnarly. They start, they're talking about things that men, we just, we had to close. Even at one point, Sammy said, we need to put a special content warning on this fucking episode. And she's not wrong. That was a funny episode, though, y 'all. I mean, listen, folks, here's the thing. You've heard us say it a hundred times.

7:37 We do this shit for us as partially therapy. And it really does work, believe it or not. We look forward to this. talk more than just this show the two hours a week we've actually recorded twice this week well once on friday once today and then we chat we text each other we do all this stuff we truly are friends we love each other but i mean we like to fuck with each other and we come up with good shit that's just how that shit is we do it for us so anything we say that offends you we do not apologize we don't give a fuck we love you though and thanks for listening and i give less of a fuck today because i'm gonna fucking xanax right now so go fuck that motherfucking joke is joked up like y 'all if y 'all looked at it you're like It didn't look any different. This motherfucker was macking it on a Wendy's Baconator. Oh, that motherfucker was good. Breakfast sandwich, which is the shit.

8:22 I may not even edit that out when you hear me chewing. Nom, nom, nom, nom. Just nom in the fuck out. Like it's a leg on a hog. So I had a what the fuck, but this is kind of a different one. I don't think we've done this kind of what the fuck up until this point. So this is one of those, yeah, what the fuck? I think I'll do it. A couple episodes ago, I think I talked about I was an extra on the TV show Nashville. Ah, yes. 2012, I believe. Well, the company that I went through to get that gig, I get emails from them all the time. I got one today. And next Monday, they're doing filming. I'm assuming it's going to be in the Nissan Stadium parking lot because it's for FanDuel, which is the sports betting. So I'm going to assume that it's Titans related. Maybe, I don't know. But they're looking for people between the ages of 25 and 55. Now, granted, I'm going to be 59, but they don't really ask for your age. They just want a face shot and they want a full body shot. And I think I could pass for 55. What do you guys think? 55?

9:26 Doable? No fucking way, buddy. Donald! No, Jake, of course you could, yes. Now check this out. Here's the cool part. It's $300 for the shoot. Hell yeah. They say in there that it could be a 12 -hour day, which is what the Nashville gig was. It was a 12 -hour day. But I only got like $100 for that shit back then. $300 for 12 hours is not bad. And if they pick me... Next Monday, I'm going to be doing a video shoot for FanDuel and make fucking $300. So my initial thought was, what the fuck? Why not? Why not? $300 is $300. Plus, I'm going to imagine, I hope, because the first time I did, they had a catering thing. Well, this is tailgating. Tailgating, yeah. So there may be tailgating food, which I'm all about, like burgers, dogs, sausages. Fuck yeah, motherfucker.

10:14 Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. So there's a different kind of what the fuck I don't think we've had on the show yet. What the fuck? Why not? So 12 hours, 300, what is that? That's $25 an hour, brother. Yeah, hey. Yeah, that's not bad. I mean, that's for doing something fun, you know? Yeah, and you might get to see my mug on TV commercials for FanDuel. Hell yeah. We'd be watching football, and I'd be like, hey! That's Jake. I know that motherfucker. I know that bitch. That's right. But you've got to throw the hair back, like you're going on stage carrying your guitar. Yeah, or I might just let it down so I can look like a fucking rock star. Which I am anyway, but you know. Like a Pantene Pro -V commercial, just. Do the Paul Stanley hair. Hopefully I don't get hit by a duck. All right, Fabio. Y 'all know I watch YouTube a lot. I saw a short of this lady and some family members on a beach somewhere.

11:04 I think it was Florida, maybe California. I don't know. One of the states. It's insane, really. No, she was a car. And when I say car, it was a four -door sedan. And it was one of those beaches where you're allowed to drive onto the sand. I remember in Texas, we could do that as well. Well, the caption on this short said basically that she ignored the signs, don't go past this point in a car. Well, she ignored that sign. And she was down into the fucking wet sand where the water was coming up. And then she was trying to back up. And then the more she was trying to put it in reverse. The more she dug in. The car was getting bogged down into the wet sand. Until finally her passengers in the back seat were like, fuck this, we're out of here. And the funny thing about it is she rolled down her window and people were yelling at her, get out of your car. And when she rolled down the window, guess what kind of hairstyle she had? A Karen.

11:58 She had a Karen do. Of course she did. She had the Bob dude, the Karen dude. The entitled haircut. She was probably yelling for the beach manager at that point. Was it frosted? Oh, it was blonde, yes. Oh, yes. Yeah. That's the best. Yeah. Mm -mm. I guess it takes a certain personality. That's going to be an expensive tow. Yeah. It is what it is, I guess. People just don't listen. They're hard -headed. No. Karen. Nobody likes to listen to anybody about anything. This is a what -the -fuck episode that we didn't prepare for. Normally, Sunday nights is when we all email our ideas to each other. Yeah, we... But I think the general consensus was we were just going to wing it because they wanted to see how animated or unanimated Jake was going to be today. You've been pretty fucking animated, big dog. Which I like. Really? Okay. Yeah. Maybe I need to do Xanax more often.