Road Rage Inside WalMart

0:00 I shit you negative. When the fucking Amazon truck doesn't show up here, people get real concerned. Is that okay? This motherfucker's gonna rage bait me, I swear to fucking God. Yeah, because that's how we roll, bitch. As my dad would say so colorfully, words are hard. Still! Like one of those little ones like... You build a link tree. Link tree this. I'll make psychedelic videos like I'm on heroin. I was just sitting here holding my Cheez -It. Sam was finally in her Cheez -It stick. What the fuck is going on outside of my yard? Is it Wild Kingdom there? Not a hardy.

0:45 Softy. A hardy. Not a hardy. It's a softy. I'm Jake Jacobs. This is Sammy. This is the Don. And you're listening to What the Fuck. Welcome to What the Fuck, the podcast where we say all the things you're thinking, but probably shouldn't. So Jake, last week, you had a little situation at the house with the AC, with the HVAC going on. Is it fixed now? Well, let me tell you a story about that. Or is it just band -aided up again? Well, it's fixed, and it is fixed so well that I woke up in the middle of the night, so cold. I was curled up into the fetal position with my hands in my crotch, and I swear to God, when I woke up, my sperm were frozen, okay? It was that fucking cold. Damn. So I have AC now.

1:40 Must be something in the water. Two days ago. Uh -oh. Don, don't tell me. I get home from the shop. I walk in. Melissa says, I don't think the air conditioner's working. I said, well, it feels pretty fucking good in here. Oh, my God. She said, you just came out of the 108 -degree. weather and it's 83 degrees in the house which is normally blistering hot to me she says well you just walked inside so it does feel cool but wait sure as shit fucking air conditioner doesn't work so i popped up in the drain thing and it's full of water it got wet carpet all this shit no big deal not my first rodeo so i blew it out with the fucking vac the whole thing bleach vinegar still didn't fucking work And to say that I didn't sleep worth a fiddler's fuck is an understatement.

2:28 So last night, I finally called the AC guy because it wasn't working. The guy shows up at 10 o 'clock last night. God bless him. Appreciate you. Wow, that's some service there. Yeah, he showed up and he had put in one of my other units, right? And he's going to have to replace this one eventually. But he said, what's it doing? I said, it's humming, but it's not cool. And I got to take a stick and get the fan going. I thought maybe that would work. Maybe it was just the rain. I don't know. Nah, you need a relay. I'm like, cool, just a relay. How much is that going to cost? $205 for a relay, a little relay. $205 plus service call. I was like, well, you know, I'll play your fucking game. What's going to be the cost overall here?

3:12 Because I see you tap dancing around that. $290 fucking dollars later, which, okay, fine. And didn't give a fuck. He says, oh, we don't have to do it if you don't want. Touche, brother. I said, yeah, make it happen, Captain. So I got that shit done. $290 fucking dollars. My house feels delightful now. But I got to start looking at a new unit because it's 13 years old. What are you going to do? Well, I mean, mine was 51 years old. And I, too, was taking a stick trying to get the fan to fucking move. And it acted like it wanted to a couple of times. And that's, yeah. Oh, it started moving. Once I got the stick and I was like, eh. It would slowly crank up to speed like an old P3 propeller. And just, fuck, come on, man, you can do it. And it fired up. But it never cooled the house up. But last night, after the guy left, it worked fine. So I slept well. I feel good today. Everything is cool and shit. You said 295? $290 total, yeah, for a relay. You know, in the grand scheme of things, and the fact that he came to your house at 10 o 'clock at fucking night, you know, that doesn't sound too bad. I don't have a problem with it. I just think it's... And here's the thing, too. I said, what's a new unit cost? He said, about $7 ,000. I'm like, well, that's about $3 ,000 less than I thought it would be. So he says, yeah. He said, it's $10 ,000 to $15 ,000 if you call somebody else. He said, I've done work at this house before. Obviously, I've got a couple of things. His receipts and shit, which

4:43 is how I knew it was him. So I called him. Because when we bought this house, it was like, eh. And he said, the dude that we bought the house from was supposed to change out the other unit, the big one. And he said he never called me. So the motherfucker just left. Yeah, because he didn't have to be the one to pay for it. Because he's like, it's still working now. Wait, that motherfucker who's about to buy, he'll have to be the one out the money for it. Hey, this is our season two finale episode here. So we need to riot this shit up. Well, let me help contribute to that. So come back from Kill Devil last week. Spend a day and a half at home and then come down here. That's Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina, by the way. Correct. Wake up Saturday morning. To my father, he like came in the room. I think he said something to me, but I was still half dead to the world asleep. And so I did not register what he said. And then I came back out and I was like, did you just come in and talk to me?

5:36 And he was like, yeah, I was telling you about your mother. And I was like, what? Saturday morning on her way to the airport in the transport van with other flight attendants and pilots and about 15 minutes into their drive, some absolute. douche canoe while they're doing 70 miles an hour on the highway, sideswiped their fucking van right where my mother was sitting so hard that it cracked the fucking rim on the wheel, bent the frame. So she ended up in the hospital. She's home now, but she ended up in the hospital in like a neck brace and everything. They were making sure she was okay, doing MRIs and everything like that. So that happened Saturday morning. And by the way, it was a hit and run because motherfucker, when he realized how bad he fucked up, ran but luckily the van pitch move yeah yeah and and i think they were close to like uh an intersection so i think traffic cams got it as well as the van had a camera on it so detroit police is getting his information so that my mother can sue the living fuck out of this piece of shit she's walking around like she's in a batman suit kim whiplash really bad but she's i mean otherwise okay dad went and picked her up from the airport yesterday So I go out to work to do my grocery delivery, and I'm out, and first of all, it's dead as fuck.

6:53 I literally, no orders coming in, even though it says it should be busy as shit, because Sundays are always busy down here. You didn't get put back in jail, did you? No, I think what was happening was because there was a really big incentive yesterday to make an additional $80 for just existing, just orders were getting picked so fucking quick that nothing was popping up. So the one that did finally pop up, I said, okay, fine, I'll take it. Sammy shops it. Twas a nightmare. Fighting all these people that are just like, doo -doo -doo, I'm a mosey through these aisles. And oh, what's this? Let me look at it for 10 minutes and take up the... Similar to your video you posted. Indeed. I was getting road rage.

7:34 Or aisle A rage. Aisle rage. Yeah, aisle rage. So I finally get out. I get in my car. I go to the place or whatever. The little note on it says like, hey, bring it to the back door. Just pull around the side of the back of the house and bring it to the back door. I'm like, okay, cool, whatever. I get there. Start off loading. couple bags they had some drinks whatever and then like i have one of those insta crates that's like a collapsible crate that i use for making it easier so i don't have to make a thousand trips like with a bunch of bags i just it's in a crate i walk it over well these people their backyard looked like a fucking gopher went to town on it there were fucking divots everywhere or moles yeah right so what does sammy do and i literally to myself said Be careful walking through this backyard. You're going to roll your fucking ankle. Pick up the, like, I got everything.

8:25 I'd been, go to pick up the cart or the bin. Start walking towards the back. And this whole time, by the way, the wife and the husband are just watching me drop shit off. Like, not offering to help, nothing, whatever. I'm like, whatever. Get halfway to the back door with this crate. Hit a divot. Thought I was going to break my fucking ankle. propel forward smash the living shit out of this crate that i'm carrying somehow managed to avoid crushing their food and then the husband comes like oh my god are you okay i'm so sorry are you okay and i was like yeah i'm fine i'm fine you clearly know that your backyard is a fucking disaster zone and minefield Right. Like, why would you have people coming back here to deliver shit when I'm literally, as I'm delivering, looking down at your ground going, be careful, be careful, be careful. And it's like, because their grass is so high, it's hard to tell fully where the divots are. So I'm surprised I literally did not break my ankle and or roll it like I somehow and it was all grass again. Thank God. So when I hit like all my impact came down on like my right knee and my right wrist, which are a little sore today.

9:31 But damn. Yeah. So crush the living shit out of my crate, which I was like, I only I have a three pack, but two of them are at my house. And this was the only one I had with me. So I'm like, now I have nothing in which to put fucking groceries. See assholes like that. They were probably watching you on video the whole time. No, they were staring out their sliding glass door watching me. Even worse. I mean, you know, fucking... And let me add to this, they did not fucking tip. Oh, of course not. Of course not. They didn't tip. And I was like, oh, so you're going to almost kill me in your backyard and then not tip me too? Oh, great. Thanks, guys. So let me ask you this question. If you had gotten seriously hurt, is there any recourse for you through the company that you work for? I would assume so in some aspect. there there would probably be because i mean if i had rolled my ankle or snapped my fucking ankle i would think so because technically i was on the job yeah i mean even if there's not i can sue them for treacherous correct fucking well it doesn't matter if it's treacherous or not you're on their property right i'm on your property they invited you there doing a job bringing you goods and services and you have a backyard that looks like a gopher just said This looks like fun. Let me go fuck it up.

10:45 Cue in the Caddyshack theme right now. It had rained relatively recently, so the ground was also a little softer. But yeah, like he literally can't. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'm like, if you're so sorry, fucking tip me for the bullshit you just put me through. Right. I can't possibly be the only person that's ever tripped and fallen on your backyard delivering your fucking groceries. I can guarantee you weren't. I'm really tempted to reach out to Spark and specifically tag that. Be like, hey, I don't know if you guys have had complaints about this property. No deliveries in the backyard. do they do that i mean would they flag somebody i'm sure i could probably i i mean i can at least submit it yeah and they were like my age like they were like millennial aged people so it's not like they were like old people that are like hey like watching the youngins fucking wipe out or no they were fucking my age and i'm like y 'all should know better Like, what the hell? Did you hear what you just said?

11:34 Millennials, there's your fucking problem. Right fucking there. Just for the record, I'm not saying all millennials are fuck -ups. Some of us have to ruin it for the rest of us. That reputation didn't come because of, you know, every single millennial is a good person. They're not. They're idiots for the most part. Thank goodness I do not fall into that category. Last week when we recorded, when I was sweating my ass off and my sperm wasn't being frozen by my newly fixed AC, I decided I wanted some Chick -fil -A for lunch. And Chick -fil -A is about a 10 -minute drive there, 10 -minute drive back. People lose their fucking minds driving during lunchtime on Friday in Nashville. I don't know what it is, but twice on the way to Chick -fil -A, I almost got hit. By people just either pulling out in front of me or not watching what the fuck they're doing or maybe people being on their cell phones. I don't know, Don. I know that's a sore spot for you. Probably. And then on the way back from Chick -fil -A, I had a person who couldn't decide if they wanted to swerve over to the left lane to turn left or if they wanted to stay halfway in the lane. And I was trying to get around them. And then finally at the last second, they decided, yes, they did want to turn.

12:39 So they did need to get over. So anyway, so three times in a very short lunch drive. I experienced road rage. So I went back to the house, ate my food. And then later that afternoon, I had to go to Walmart for something. So during that 1 .3 miles to get to Walmart, almost got sideswiped again. So I get to the Walmart parking lot. I'm like, you know what? Fuck this. I'm going to do a TikTok video about this bullshit. So I had this thing all planned out in my head. I started talking. I made a couple edits, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I watched it back. And I'm like, I hate it. I didn't like it at all. It was just too, I don't know. Just something wasn't resonating with me. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to think about this and do it later. I go inside the Walmart, do my shopping. And between the people that are stocking the aisles, the aisles, between the people that are stocking the aisles, Jesus Christ, I can't fucking talk today. And idiots just. are completely oblivious to their surroundings, have no situational awareness.

13:33 If they see that they're blocking your way and they continue to move and they acknowledge your existence, but yet they continue to do what they're doing. I was getting road rage in Walmart. So I went to a quieter spot of the store and I pulled out my phone and it was just a, I didn't even think about it. What you see in that video is what you get. I just said, public service announcement. It is possible to get Red Rage inside of Walmart. Click. That was the whole video. I don't even know if I put a hashtag on it. It hit send. Folks, that thing is rapidly approaching 500 ,000 views. It's down to about 1 ,000 views an hour now. Yeah, it's finally starting to slow down a little bit. You guys are slacking. Just to also clarify, when you talk about the people that are shopping, not people like me. You're talking about the Walmart employees with the big blue crates. Yeah.

14:24 They're a pain in the ass because they mosey through there. Yeah. Even though they should know the layout, they're like, hmm. Well, they're going to be there for eight hours anyway. Some of those stalkers? Well, actually, come to think of it. All of the people that were pushing those big -ass carts down the aisle and restocking the shelves, I think every single one of them had either AirPods in or earbuds and were listening to music. Completely fucking oblivious. Yeah, they always do. That way, I guess they complete ignorance that they didn't hear you or having no situational awareness. Some of the comments on that TikTok video, people were telling their own Walmart horror stories. I think that's what actually resonated because it is real, dude. As much road rage as I... experienced just in that short little amount of time that i was driving and got road rage while i was pushing a shopping cart yeah that was crazy i'm just gonna take a poll here i don't care where it is grocery store restaurant whatever okay if you're in a parking lot and you're looking for a spot most parking lots have lanes where there's an arrow arrow pointing this way you can park in this way they have the angled things yeah yes okay yes now If you're looking for a parking spot and you're going the right way with arrows telling you to go, but you have some idiot coming perpendicularly going across the lanes. Fuck that guy. Okay.

15:42 I've seen people do it here all the time. And I don't know if it's a cultural thing because some people maybe just don't know that that is a accident hazard. Like if somebody's looking for a spot, but you're driving across the lanes and saying, fuck that, need to learn how to fucking park. You're fucking dumb. Your mom's ugly. I mean, all the things, right? You just don't do that. Like, who the fuck taught you how to do that? Yeah, no, it drives me up a fucking wall when people do that. Because I'm like, first of all, you can't see coming out of that. No, no, you cannot. And then you're pulling out. into potentially a direction you're not supposed to be driving anyways if it's a single direction only way and then yeah you you run the risk of if somebody's coming and right as you're pulling out and you can't see around that car that you just decided to go pat yeah that's that's a fucking t -bone waiting to happen yeah i almost got hit the other day because of some fucking idiot and i'll tell you what if i would have gotten hit i would have got out of my car And I would have caught an assault charge. The literal only time that I do that in a parking lot is if it's in the back. There are no other cars around. And it's a long fucking parking lot that I'm like, I'm not driving half a fucking mile to get to the end of this lane. But there's nobody there.

16:51 Just keep this in mind. No, I'm not going to do that. When people get into cars and they get into a parking lot, their time is more important than yours. So you can fuck off, right? But remember this. When you want to stomp a mud hole in somebody's ass. Me personally, I do not have the financial wherewithal to lawyer up. Yeah, that's true. To fucking back shift this felony that's about to happen. Well, this is the season two finale, so what a way to end this with fucking more road raids. Learn how to fucking drive, morons. Fucking people. Come on. Help us out. We went from driving to people in parking lots. All of our what the fuckers out there. Thank you so much for listening to season one, season two. Season three will start here. By all means, feel free, in a safe and professional and friendly manner, help remind your fellow drivers to get the fuck out of the left lane. Please and thank you.