S*** In Your Grits

WEBVTT

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Talked about Frank, uh, France. Words are fucking

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hard. We talked about... Mm -hmm. They are. Fuck

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off. Shit. I'm telling you, bidets are great.

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They don't shoot up your asshole. It's literally

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just a gentle, like, we're just... Please don't

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take the fun out of this for him. Every time

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I go to WebMD, I need a new Harley, so... It's

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like, listen, you ain't sick, you pussy -ass

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bitch. Go buy a new fucking motorcycle. Let me

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pull up WebMD now, see if that shit works for

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me. I'm Jake Jacobs. This is Sammy. This is the

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Don. And you're listening to... what the fuck

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welcome to what the fuck the podcast where we

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say all the things you're thinking but probably

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shouldn't woman calls triple a during a standoff

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to fix a tire that the police had just spiked.

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AAA ain't gonna cover that. 45 -year -old woman

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was arrested Wednesday and accused of leading

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police on a high -speed chase on I -70 and then

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calling for roadside assistance after the officer

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spiked her tire. They tried to spike her tire

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twice. They were successful the second time.

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She stopped the car. They're trying to get her

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to come out of the car. So it's a standoff, right?

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And they're telling her, hey, you're caught.

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I mean, just get out of your fucking car. While

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they're yelling at her through the bullhorn or

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whatever, she's on the fucking phone with AAA.

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hey, I got a flat tire. Can you guys come fix

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it? AAA transferred the call to the police, who

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in turn transferred the call to a trooper at

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the scene. I guess dispatch called the cops that

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had her pulled over at a standoff, and they were

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like, hey, this woman just called AAA to get

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her flat tire fixed. You guys pop. I'm trying

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to figure out the thought process that happens

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here. Well, there's probably a reason she was

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in a high -speed chase. She's not all there.

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Felony high -speed chase. She got fucking spiked

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and had the fucking balls to call AAA to come

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fix her tire while the cops are screaming at

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her. Possible shootout. Through the window. Yeah.

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I got to party with this chick. I mean, she's

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fucking nuts. She's 45, so I mean. She's in the

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wheelhouse. She's prime Karen age. Yeah. God

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damn, man. Did you have the bob cut? I don't

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see a picture. No pictures? Damn. To have that

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Karen kind of look like the hair that's like

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pushed all the way up. Yeah, I have it in Utah.

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Earlier this month, yeah. In Utah. Probably a

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Mormon. Freaking, yeah, I was about to say probably

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a Mormon. Fucking Mormons. That's crazy. No offense

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to any Mormons listening out there. No. No offense

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to any Mormons. Y 'all do whatever y 'all gonna

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do. But anyway. Speaking of drivers. I got the

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video right here. This is fucking great. Oh,

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of the high speed chase? Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, Lord.

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Last week when my daughter was on spring break

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and I had to come home and take care of the cats,

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left early in the morning to come home. And as

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I'm driving home, I literally got maybe five

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minutes from my parents' house. The whole time

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I'm driving, as soon as I got on the main road,

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had this like little SUV behind me with, I could

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see because he was on my ass the whole time.

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This little old man who looked like he had to

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be in his like 80s, who had the most gnarly scout,

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just like this, one of these, one of these faces,

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like the whole time. I'm like, clearly somebody

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shit in your grits. I don't know. We get to a

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traffic light. We're stopped. We start to go.

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Hadn't even made it full speed yet. And I see

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the truck in front of me. This poor bird comes

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out of nowhere and like dive bombs the side,

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like hits it on the side. So like not head on.

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to the vehicle, but hits him in the side. So

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the bird hit the truck. Correct. The truck in

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front of me and bounced off of it and kind of

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knocked itself like, whatever. I don't think

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it killed it, but it was just kind of knock silly.

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Like how, when they run into like glass on a

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house or something, they don't realize the glass.

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I look in the rear view mirror to check on this

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bird and I see grumpy grandpa bitch behind me

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swerve to intentionally run this fucking bird

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over and end its little life. And I swear to

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God, I saw the man smile. I swear to God. For

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a good five plus miles, sat there holding my

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steering wheel with this exact, like I could

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not get, I was like. The slack jaw, what the

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fuck just went there? I was like, I've never

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actually slack jawed at anything in my life before.

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I was like, this was insane. And then I shit

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you not, two days later when I was coming back

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to my parents' house, I'm driving on back roads

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and all of a sudden I pass by what I'm pretty

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sure was a turtle that had already been hit.

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So it was kind of like, I think. on its way out

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and I swerve to avoid it and the fucking truck

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behind me swerves to hit it. I'm like, what is

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wrong with people in North Carolina trying to

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end the life of anything on the fucking road,

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whether it's dead or not? I was like, I hope

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to God he popped a fucking tire on that turtle

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shell. I'm judgmental and I mean to an irrational

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level. First off, if you come to Florida and

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you have any other license plate besides a Florida

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plate, go fuck yourself. Okay. We appreciate

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you being here. We love you too, but go home.

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And Oh, by the way, get out of my left lane,

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North Carolina drivers. I don't know where you

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people learn how to drive, but you are worse

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than New York. Get out of the left lane. Listen,

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we roll here in Florida. And I'm not from Florida.

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I'm from Louisiana. I roll wherever I go. Whatever

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state I'm in, I roll. Left lane is for passing

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and going fast. Get the fuck out of it. Left

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lane is for crime. If you ain't committing a

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crime, get the fuck out of the way. If you are

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by yourself in the left lane, nobody cares. If

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you are in the left lane and somebody's behind

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you. and you are blocking them, you're an asshole.

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If you have a full line of cars behind you, it

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should be legal for the person right behind you

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to do the pit maneuver and put your ass under

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the fucking wall. So move over. Get out of the

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way. And I ride a motorcycle, so I don't get

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a chance to be a dick. Fun fact, when you're

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on a three -lane highway like that, especially

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in Virginia, it is a law. Truckers cannot be

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in that left lane. They have to stay in the middle

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or right lane. However, if it's a two -lane road

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like it is by us, truckers can go in that lane

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and truckers can be fucking assholes and sit

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in that lane and go slow as shit and make you

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want to fucking blow their tires out, but can't.

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There is a whole brand new generation of drivers.

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And when I say drivers, I'm mainly talking about

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truck drivers. It used to be back in the day,

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truckers knew not to try to pass another truck

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going uphill. Now it seems to be like a contest.

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They don't give a shit. To see if we can do it

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every single fucking time. It's like NASCAR,

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baby. Yeah. And then the other thing you talked

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about being in the left lane and that being the

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passing lane. I'm totally on board with that.

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But here's where I have a problem with it, though.

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If I'm in the left lane and I'm with traffic

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and we're steadily passing people and then some

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idiot comes up in the middle lane and wants to

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come all the way up to where he has to get over

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and zip in. Guess what, motherfucker? This isn't

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the zipper. Okay? We're not opening a gap for

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you. No. No, sorry. Your time is not more important

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than everybody else's. And I will cut you off

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every motherfucking time. Yeah, so I live right

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off 95, and I drive 100 miles a day, basically.

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Man, that's a lot. 70. I get to see a lot of

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shit. And I -95 is three lanes between Daytona

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and St. Augustine. And so the right lane is for

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law -abiding citizens. The left lane is for crime.

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The middle lane is for criminals who have...

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More hardened criminals coming up their ass.

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You move over so the more hardened criminal can

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pass you. Then you move back over if you need

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to pass. But you have to sacrifice, even if you

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get behind somebody slower, unless you're willing

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to commit a higher level of crime. It's not hard.

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Move your ass. 100 miles an hour in Florida.

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You know, the cops, that's a felony, 100 miles

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an hour is a felony. Yeah, anything 20 or over.

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Just because you have a CDL license does not

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make you a good driver. Oh, no. No, no. And here's

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where I learned this, Jake, and it's right up

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your alley because it's I -40 between Nashville

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and Clarksville. You fucking asshole drivers.

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You truckers. And I love you, man. I know you're

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at work. Get the fuck out of the left lane, buddy.

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And that's a four -lane road. These people will

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block. These fucking guys will block it four

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lanes wide. Do not give a shit. And there's hills

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on that road. So when I used to work at Austin

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Peay State University, I would drive from Gallatin

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to there. And it was mind -boggling, the lack

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of consideration from these truck drivers. So

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just because you have a CDL and you're a professional

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driver does not make you a good driver. In fact,

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some of you need to... Go fuck yourself somewhere

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else. Go to Mississippi or something. I don't

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know what you got to do. If you've been on the

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road for a while, you can kind of gauge the body

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language of the drivers, especially if you've

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been behind the same couple of trucks for the

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last couple of miles or whatever. So I can usually

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tell if a trucker is getting ready to try to

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pass another truck up a hill, and I will be that

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dude, and I will speed up and pass so he gets

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stuck behind that truck. I will do that. I'll

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commit a level of crime that allows him to move

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over behind me, but not in front of me. I'm not

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letting you in. And listen, I know you guys are

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the working guys, and I love you. I do it. I

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respect what you do for America. You're rolling

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80 ,000 pounds of steel and aluminum and fiberglass

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with freight. The best drivers that I see, they

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are older, generally speaking. They're in the

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right lane. You remember the movie with Tom Cruise,

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the NASCAR movie? Days of Thunder. Days of Thunder.

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And he was faster when he drove less hard. right

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yeah he was tearing it so the best truckers the

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ones who make the best time etc so the guys in

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the right lane following the law it's 70 or 75

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miles an hour somewhere in there that are not

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in a big hurry they're not swapping lanes back

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and forth the only thing they do though there's

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a truck on the side of the road they think it's

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safer to switch lanes with that 60 feet of fucking

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truck than it is just to stay there i don't get

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that part guys so stop doing that shit but those

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are the guys that are making time they're making

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money they're doing all this stuff these fucking

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young ones dude I want to shoot your fucking

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tires out. And I said that shit out loud. So.

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You're a danger to public safety. So knock that

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shit off. The only time that I will usually willingly

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commit felony level speed crimes, logging trucks,

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which Final Destination has utterly destroyed

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me for the rest of my life. I will commit felonies

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to get from behind one of those because I am

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scared shitless of being behind one. And just

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that movie fucked me up for life. I can't ever

00:10:13.750 --> 00:10:16.919
be behind a logging truck without. getting like

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almost panic attack levels anxiety where i'm

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like i got i gotta get around it i gotta get

00:10:22.500 --> 00:10:26.679
around it i will fucking beeline it the second

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i hit a broken line road i'm like i'm gone take

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all of that and add a fucking cell phone in their

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face oh no no no that is my absolute i just people

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that i see on cell phones make me want to absolutely

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pit maneuver them i get overtly boisterous so

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If you've crashed your car into the back of somebody,

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I know how it happened. Oh yeah. On your cell

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phone. Here's the thing, folks, you have one

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job and you're driving, you have a big responsibility.

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You're far too important to die on the highway

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because of a text message. However, you ain't

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as fucking important as you think you are. Get

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the fuck off of your fucking phone. Hands -free,

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this 21st century, if you're in a Mercedes -Benz

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or a Lexus, you have Bluetooth capabilities.

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If you have that phone plugged into your face,

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honey, Karen, I hope you get run off the road

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and learn your fucking lesson. So I realize that's

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very salty, but man, I've seen so many bad things

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happen because of cell phones. It just fires

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me up. That's one of my pet peeves. If you can't

00:11:24.389 --> 00:11:26.250
tell. I should have known when I first moved

00:11:26.250 --> 00:11:29.169
to Nashville, watching local television stations,

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when almost every fucking commercial would lead

00:11:32.210 --> 00:11:34.009
off with, have you been injured by a tractor

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trailer driver? All these law firms, it's their

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income. You have every motherfucker coming here

00:11:38.370 --> 00:11:40.710
from all over the fucking world that wants to

00:11:40.710 --> 00:11:42.850
be the next Jason Aldean or Morgan Wallen or

00:11:42.850 --> 00:11:44.610
whoever the fuck they're trying to be next. So

00:11:44.610 --> 00:11:47.169
you have all these different driving styles.

00:11:47.649 --> 00:11:51.450
Now, Nashville has all four seasons, but people

00:11:51.450 --> 00:11:54.340
crash. on 75 degrees and fucking sun out, right?

00:11:54.460 --> 00:11:55.980
You throw a little bit of moisture in there,

00:11:56.039 --> 00:11:59.080
some rain, it gets stupid. Snow, it gets even

00:11:59.080 --> 00:12:00.700
stupider. But you have all these different driving

00:12:00.700 --> 00:12:03.419
styles. Some people have never seen snow. It's

00:12:03.419 --> 00:12:05.759
like a melting pot of motherfuckers that don't

00:12:05.759 --> 00:12:07.379
know how to drive. Oh, well, welcome to Florida

00:12:07.379 --> 00:12:10.120
where we have snowbirds who don't drive back

00:12:10.120 --> 00:12:13.200
at home. But when you come here, and it's not

00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:16.259
everybody, okay? Not every New York plate or

00:12:16.259 --> 00:12:18.500
Massachusetts plate or New Jersey plate. They're

00:12:18.500 --> 00:12:21.830
not all, and they're great people. I'm not saying

00:12:21.830 --> 00:12:24.350
anything about the human beings, but you drive

00:12:24.350 --> 00:12:26.730
like shit. But so do Floridians. Yeah. And so

00:12:26.730 --> 00:12:29.090
do people from Louisiana. And so do people from

00:12:29.090 --> 00:12:30.809
fucking Tennessee and people from North Carolina.

00:12:31.090 --> 00:12:33.669
It's like, listen, it's the individual. I just

00:12:33.669 --> 00:12:35.970
happen to judge your ass based on the plate on

00:12:35.970 --> 00:12:37.129
your car. Everybody everywhere drives like shit.

00:12:37.129 --> 00:12:39.110
Because that makes it fun for me. But get the

00:12:39.110 --> 00:12:40.570
fuck out of the left lane. At the end of the

00:12:40.570 --> 00:12:41.970
day, I think that's what kind of caused this

00:12:41.970 --> 00:12:44.230
discussion. Get out of the left lane. Have some

00:12:44.230 --> 00:12:46.549
respect for everybody else. And then once it's

00:12:46.549 --> 00:12:48.149
clear, go back to the left lane if that's your

00:12:48.149 --> 00:12:50.909
thing. See, everyone has road rage. It's just

00:12:50.909 --> 00:12:53.049
a matter of how much road rage that you have

00:12:53.049 --> 00:12:55.370
and you allow to come out. That's one of my favorite

00:12:55.370 --> 00:12:57.210
things when I'm on the phone with my best friend

00:12:57.210 --> 00:13:00.090
because she lives in Northern Virginia. So she'll

00:13:00.090 --> 00:13:01.629
call me when she's on her way home from work

00:13:01.629 --> 00:13:04.549
and she'll be like, she'll be like, dude, you're

00:13:04.549 --> 00:13:08.470
talking to a motherfucker. Like, yeah, I'm just

00:13:08.470 --> 00:13:12.129
like, who cut you off? Like, she just, she's

00:13:12.129 --> 00:13:14.690
so funny. But she's also the same person that,

00:13:14.710 --> 00:13:16.389
like, when I drive, she's the same way whether

00:13:16.389 --> 00:13:17.970
I'm on the phone with her or I'm in the car with

00:13:17.970 --> 00:13:20.429
her. But she also, like, if she has to slam her

00:13:20.429 --> 00:13:22.470
brakes off, she's the first person to reach out

00:13:22.470 --> 00:13:24.809
and, like, full arm, like, I'm like, I have a

00:13:24.809 --> 00:13:26.710
seatbelt on. She's like, I know. But I'm like,

00:13:26.750 --> 00:13:28.169
you just wanted to grab my tit. I know. It's

00:13:28.169 --> 00:13:33.279
okay. Nice. I'm on a motorcycle 90 % of the time.

00:13:33.379 --> 00:13:36.240
I got to be careful my actions because it's not

00:13:36.240 --> 00:13:37.840
like being in your car where you start screaming

00:13:37.840 --> 00:13:39.279
at somebody, lipping them, and they don't even

00:13:39.279 --> 00:13:42.259
notice. Yeah. On a bike, I give you the I hate

00:13:42.259 --> 00:13:44.850
you look. They're just like, fuck you. Yeah.

00:13:45.610 --> 00:13:48.129
So I try to avoid that. But I'm still thinking

00:13:48.129 --> 00:13:49.990
it just so you people know. If you're staying

00:13:49.990 --> 00:13:52.409
with traffic pretty much like and you're going

00:13:52.409 --> 00:13:54.250
over the speed limit and everybody's doing over

00:13:54.250 --> 00:13:57.250
the speed limit. That's one thing. Correct. It's

00:13:57.250 --> 00:13:59.309
when you're Jeff Gordon in your way through speed.

00:13:59.529 --> 00:14:02.090
People are so guilty. That's when the cops are

00:14:02.090 --> 00:14:03.950
like, what is this? When the state trooper has.

00:14:04.320 --> 00:14:05.960
Two cars pulled over on the side of the road,

00:14:06.039 --> 00:14:08.399
and you jam on your brakes when you see him.

00:14:08.460 --> 00:14:11.000
Oh, my God. Guilty motherfucker. Yeah. He ain't

00:14:11.000 --> 00:14:13.240
coming after you. He's already busy. Furthermore,

00:14:13.399 --> 00:14:17.120
get in the habit of throwing a GPS on. It does

00:14:17.120 --> 00:14:20.519
two things. Number one, it reminds you where

00:14:20.519 --> 00:14:22.580
you're going so you're not looking around like

00:14:22.580 --> 00:14:24.519
an idiot. You don't know where you're going,

00:14:24.620 --> 00:14:26.360
people. Sorry. Oh, a GPS everywhere, even if

00:14:26.360 --> 00:14:27.240
I know where I'm going. And then it will tell

00:14:27.240 --> 00:14:29.580
you, speed check ahead. Yeah. Or if you have

00:14:29.580 --> 00:14:32.379
Waze, police, you know, it'll tell you where

00:14:32.379 --> 00:14:35.990
the cops are. Number three, you don't need to

00:14:35.990 --> 00:14:39.149
drive 100 miles an hour. If the speed limit is

00:14:39.149 --> 00:14:42.889
70, go 80. We even go 85 in Florida. We pass

00:14:42.889 --> 00:14:44.950
state troopers. It's like, you ain't who I'm

00:14:44.950 --> 00:14:46.509
looking for. We're looking for the kid on the

00:14:46.509 --> 00:14:49.809
sport bike doing 120. Or the guy driving the

00:14:49.809 --> 00:14:52.769
Hellcat. If the speed limit is 70, people don't

00:14:52.769 --> 00:14:55.250
mind driving 80. When you go to a state where

00:14:55.250 --> 00:14:57.850
the speed limit is 80, people are scared to drive

00:14:57.850 --> 00:15:00.970
much faster than 80. But the people who are scared

00:15:00.970 --> 00:15:03.009
to drive 80 will get their fucking ass in the

00:15:03.009 --> 00:15:05.580
right lane. And that is the ticket. So every,

00:15:05.720 --> 00:15:08.500
listen to me, country, change your fucking speed

00:15:08.500 --> 00:15:11.840
limit to 80 or 85. I don't give a shit. But 70

00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:14.620
is too fucking slow. And Jake and I are at that

00:15:14.620 --> 00:15:17.519
age. Well, we remember our mom and dad driving

00:15:17.519 --> 00:15:20.460
the old double nickel down the I -10. And that

00:15:20.460 --> 00:15:22.379
was some old bullshit. I don't know how anybody

00:15:22.379 --> 00:15:25.080
got any fucking where. Yeah. Sammy Hager just

00:15:25.080 --> 00:15:27.059
came screaming into my head, I can't drive 55.

00:15:27.139 --> 00:15:29.679
I can't drive 55. If you have a GPS app on your

00:15:29.679 --> 00:15:32.549
phone. or a GPS unit, and you have it on all

00:15:32.549 --> 00:15:36.009
the time, but yet you want to argue with it about

00:15:36.009 --> 00:15:40.090
where it's wanting to take you, technology has

00:15:40.090 --> 00:15:43.559
advanced to the point. where most even a cheap

00:15:43.559 --> 00:15:46.279
gps app will get you from point a to point b

00:15:46.279 --> 00:15:48.139
and it will calculate the quickest way to get

00:15:48.139 --> 00:15:50.039
there based on traffic blah blah blah blah blah

00:15:50.039 --> 00:15:53.580
just because you've been driving to this point

00:15:53.580 --> 00:15:56.299
a to point b for your whole fucking life and

00:15:56.299 --> 00:15:58.720
you know how to get there when the gps tells

00:15:58.720 --> 00:16:00.179
you how to get there and it takes you a different

00:16:00.179 --> 00:16:04.470
way fucking trust it I have a usual way that

00:16:04.470 --> 00:16:06.629
I go to the Nashville VA, but there's probably

00:16:06.629 --> 00:16:09.909
20 different ways that you could take. But I

00:16:09.909 --> 00:16:12.409
will put my GPS on every single time, particularly

00:16:12.409 --> 00:16:15.029
with Nashville. On any given day, I will have

00:16:15.029 --> 00:16:16.990
to take one of those 20 different other routes

00:16:16.990 --> 00:16:18.789
because people are just being fucking stupid.

00:16:19.090 --> 00:16:21.490
I know how to get there, but the app will say,

00:16:21.629 --> 00:16:23.970
go this way instead, and you'll get there quicker.

00:16:24.269 --> 00:16:26.590
GPS is work. I've been driving for 50 fucking

00:16:26.590 --> 00:16:28.350
years. I know how to get there. Bullshit, you

00:16:28.350 --> 00:16:29.950
don't. The GPS knows how to get there better

00:16:29.950 --> 00:16:34.250
than you do. So this has been a very, very, very

00:16:34.250 --> 00:16:38.830
salty episode. But it is, as promised, from episode,

00:16:39.070 --> 00:16:41.529
somewhere around episode three or four, this

00:16:41.529 --> 00:16:44.090
is our weekly therapy with one another. It keeps

00:16:44.090 --> 00:16:46.470
us from fucking going Harry Caray. From pit maneuvering

00:16:46.470 --> 00:16:47.470
people on the road. Yeah, pit maneuvering people

00:16:47.470 --> 00:16:50.490
on the interstate. We realize that laws exist.