S*** In Your Grits

0:00 Talked about Frank, uh, France. Words are fucking hard. We talked about... Mm -hmm. They are. Fuck off. Shit. I'm telling you, bidets are great. They don't shoot up your asshole. It's literally just a gentle, like, we're just... Please don't take the fun out of this for him. Every time I go to WebMD, I need a new Harley, so... It's like, listen, you ain't sick, you pussy -ass bitch. Go buy a new fucking motorcycle. Let me pull up WebMD now, see if that shit works for me. I'm Jake Jacobs. This is Sammy. This is the Don. And you're listening to... what the fuck welcome to what the fuck the podcast where we say all the things you're thinking but probably shouldn't woman calls triple a during a standoff to fix a tire that the police had just spiked.

0:50 AAA ain't gonna cover that. 45 -year -old woman was arrested Wednesday and accused of leading police on a high -speed chase on I -70 and then calling for roadside assistance after the officer spiked her tire. They tried to spike her tire twice. They were successful the second time. She stopped the car. They're trying to get her to come out of the car. So it's a standoff, right? And they're telling her, hey, you're caught. I mean, just get out of your fucking car. While they're yelling at her through the bullhorn or whatever, she's on the fucking phone with AAA. hey, I got a flat tire. Can you guys come fix it? AAA transferred the call to the police, who in turn transferred the call to a trooper at the scene. I guess dispatch called the cops that had her pulled over at a standoff, and they were like, hey, this woman just called AAA to get her flat tire fixed. You guys pop. I'm trying to figure out the thought process that happens here. Well, there's probably a reason she was in a high -speed chase. She's not all there.

1:40 Felony high -speed chase. She got fucking spiked and had the fucking balls to call AAA to come fix her tire while the cops are screaming at her. Possible shootout. Through the window. Yeah. I got to party with this chick. I mean, she's fucking nuts. She's 45, so I mean. She's in the wheelhouse. She's prime Karen age. Yeah. God damn, man. Did you have the bob cut? I don't see a picture. No pictures? Damn. To have that Karen kind of look like the hair that's like pushed all the way up. Yeah, I have it in Utah. Earlier this month, yeah. In Utah. Probably a Mormon. Freaking, yeah, I was about to say probably a Mormon. Fucking Mormons. That's crazy. No offense to any Mormons listening out there. No. No offense to any Mormons. Y 'all do whatever y 'all gonna do. But anyway. Speaking of drivers. I got the video right here. This is fucking great. Oh, of the high speed chase? Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, Lord.

2:31 Last week when my daughter was on spring break and I had to come home and take care of the cats, left early in the morning to come home. And as I'm driving home, I literally got maybe five minutes from my parents' house. The whole time I'm driving, as soon as I got on the main road, had this like little SUV behind me with, I could see because he was on my ass the whole time. This little old man who looked like he had to be in his like 80s, who had the most gnarly scout, just like this, one of these, one of these faces, like the whole time. I'm like, clearly somebody shit in your grits. I don't know. We get to a traffic light. We're stopped. We start to go. Hadn't even made it full speed yet. And I see the truck in front of me. This poor bird comes out of nowhere and like dive bombs the side, like hits it on the side. So like not head on.

3:18 to the vehicle, but hits him in the side. So the bird hit the truck. Correct. The truck in front of me and bounced off of it and kind of knocked itself like, whatever. I don't think it killed it, but it was just kind of knock silly. Like how, when they run into like glass on a house or something, they don't realize the glass. I look in the rear view mirror to check on this bird and I see grumpy grandpa bitch behind me swerve to intentionally run this fucking bird over and end its little life. And I swear to God, I saw the man smile. I swear to God. For a good five plus miles, sat there holding my steering wheel with this exact, like I could not get, I was like. The slack jaw, what the fuck just went there? I was like, I've never actually slack jawed at anything in my life before.

4:00 I was like, this was insane. And then I shit you not, two days later when I was coming back to my parents' house, I'm driving on back roads and all of a sudden I pass by what I'm pretty sure was a turtle that had already been hit. So it was kind of like, I think. on its way out and I swerve to avoid it and the fucking truck behind me swerves to hit it. I'm like, what is wrong with people in North Carolina trying to end the life of anything on the fucking road, whether it's dead or not? I was like, I hope to God he popped a fucking tire on that turtle shell. I'm judgmental and I mean to an irrational level. First off, if you come to Florida and you have any other license plate besides a Florida plate, go fuck yourself. Okay. We appreciate you being here. We love you too, but go home.

4:48 And Oh, by the way, get out of my left lane, North Carolina drivers. I don't know where you people learn how to drive, but you are worse than New York. Get out of the left lane. Listen, we roll here in Florida. And I'm not from Florida. I'm from Louisiana. I roll wherever I go. Whatever state I'm in, I roll. Left lane is for passing and going fast. Get the fuck out of it. Left lane is for crime. If you ain't committing a crime, get the fuck out of the way. If you are by yourself in the left lane, nobody cares. If you are in the left lane and somebody's behind you. and you are blocking them, you're an asshole. If you have a full line of cars behind you, it should be legal for the person right behind you to do the pit maneuver and put your ass under the fucking wall. So move over. Get out of the way. And I ride a motorcycle, so I don't get a chance to be a dick. Fun fact, when you're on a three -lane highway like that, especially in Virginia, it is a law. Truckers cannot be in that left lane. They have to stay in the middle or right lane. However, if it's a two -lane road like it is by us, truckers can go in that lane and truckers can be fucking assholes and sit in that lane and go slow as shit and make you want to fucking blow their tires out, but can't.

5:54 There is a whole brand new generation of drivers. And when I say drivers, I'm mainly talking about truck drivers. It used to be back in the day, truckers knew not to try to pass another truck going uphill. Now it seems to be like a contest. They don't give a shit. To see if we can do it every single fucking time. It's like NASCAR, baby. Yeah. And then the other thing you talked about being in the left lane and that being the passing lane. I'm totally on board with that. But here's where I have a problem with it, though. If I'm in the left lane and I'm with traffic and we're steadily passing people and then some idiot comes up in the middle lane and wants to come all the way up to where he has to get over and zip in. Guess what, motherfucker? This isn't the zipper. Okay? We're not opening a gap for you. No. No, sorry. Your time is not more important than everybody else's. And I will cut you off every motherfucking time. Yeah, so I live right off 95, and I drive 100 miles a day, basically.

6:43 Man, that's a lot. 70. I get to see a lot of shit. And I -95 is three lanes between Daytona and St. Augustine. And so the right lane is for law -abiding citizens. The left lane is for crime. The middle lane is for criminals who have... More hardened criminals coming up their ass. You move over so the more hardened criminal can pass you. Then you move back over if you need to pass. But you have to sacrifice, even if you get behind somebody slower, unless you're willing to commit a higher level of crime. It's not hard. Move your ass. 100 miles an hour in Florida. You know, the cops, that's a felony, 100 miles an hour is a felony. Yeah, anything 20 or over.

7:27 Just because you have a CDL license does not make you a good driver. Oh, no. No, no. And here's where I learned this, Jake, and it's right up your alley because it's I -40 between Nashville and Clarksville. You fucking asshole drivers. You truckers. And I love you, man. I know you're at work. Get the fuck out of the left lane, buddy. And that's a four -lane road. These people will block. These fucking guys will block it four lanes wide. Do not give a shit. And there's hills on that road. So when I used to work at Austin Peay State University, I would drive from Gallatin to there. And it was mind -boggling, the lack of consideration from these truck drivers. So just because you have a CDL and you're a professional driver does not make you a good driver. In fact, some of you need to... Go fuck yourself somewhere else. Go to Mississippi or something. I don't know what you got to do. If you've been on the road for a while, you can kind of gauge the body language of the drivers, especially if you've been behind the same couple of trucks for the last couple of miles or whatever. So I can usually tell if a trucker is getting ready to try to pass another truck up a hill, and I will be that dude, and I will speed up and pass so he gets stuck behind that truck. I will do that. I'll commit a level of crime that allows him to move over behind me, but not in front of me. I'm not letting you in. And listen, I know you guys are the working guys, and I love you. I do it. I respect what you do for America. You're rolling 80 ,000 pounds of steel and aluminum and fiberglass with freight. The best drivers that I see, they

8:59 are older, generally speaking. They're in the right lane. You remember the movie with Tom Cruise, the NASCAR movie? Days of Thunder. Days of Thunder. And he was faster when he drove less hard. right yeah he was tearing it so the best truckers the ones who make the best time etc so the guys in the right lane following the law it's 70 or 75 miles an hour somewhere in there that are not in a big hurry they're not swapping lanes back and forth the only thing they do though there's a truck on the side of the road they think it's safer to switch lanes with that 60 feet of fucking truck than it is just to stay there i don't get that part guys so stop doing that shit but those are the guys that are making time they're making money they're doing all this stuff these fucking young ones dude I want to shoot your fucking tires out. And I said that shit out loud. So.

9:46 You're a danger to public safety. So knock that shit off. The only time that I will usually willingly commit felony level speed crimes, logging trucks, which Final Destination has utterly destroyed me for the rest of my life. I will commit felonies to get from behind one of those because I am scared shitless of being behind one. And just that movie fucked me up for life. I can't ever be behind a logging truck without. getting like almost panic attack levels anxiety where i'm like i got i gotta get around it i gotta get around it i will fucking beeline it the second i hit a broken line road i'm like i'm gone take all of that and add a fucking cell phone in their face oh no no no that is my absolute i just people that i see on cell phones make me want to absolutely pit maneuver them i get overtly boisterous so If you've crashed your car into the back of somebody, I know how it happened. Oh yeah. On your cell phone. Here's the thing, folks, you have one job and you're driving, you have a big responsibility.

10:52 You're far too important to die on the highway because of a text message. However, you ain't as fucking important as you think you are. Get the fuck off of your fucking phone. Hands -free, this 21st century, if you're in a Mercedes -Benz or a Lexus, you have Bluetooth capabilities. If you have that phone plugged into your face, honey, Karen, I hope you get run off the road and learn your fucking lesson. So I realize that's very salty, but man, I've seen so many bad things happen because of cell phones. It just fires me up. That's one of my pet peeves. If you can't tell. I should have known when I first moved to Nashville, watching local television stations, when almost every fucking commercial would lead off with, have you been injured by a tractor trailer driver? All these law firms, it's their income. You have every motherfucker coming here from all over the fucking world that wants to be the next Jason Aldean or Morgan Wallen or whoever the fuck they're trying to be next. So you have all these different driving styles.

11:47 Now, Nashville has all four seasons, but people crash. on 75 degrees and fucking sun out, right? You throw a little bit of moisture in there, some rain, it gets stupid. Snow, it gets even stupider. But you have all these different driving styles. Some people have never seen snow. It's like a melting pot of motherfuckers that don't know how to drive. Oh, well, welcome to Florida where we have snowbirds who don't drive back at home. But when you come here, and it's not everybody, okay? Not every New York plate or Massachusetts plate or New Jersey plate. They're not all, and they're great people. I'm not saying anything about the human beings, but you drive like shit. But so do Floridians. Yeah. And so do people from Louisiana. And so do people from fucking Tennessee and people from North Carolina.

12:31 It's like, listen, it's the individual. I just happen to judge your ass based on the plate on your car. Everybody everywhere drives like shit. Because that makes it fun for me. But get the fuck out of the left lane. At the end of the day, I think that's what kind of caused this discussion. Get out of the left lane. Have some respect for everybody else. And then once it's clear, go back to the left lane if that's your thing. See, everyone has road rage. It's just a matter of how much road rage that you have and you allow to come out. That's one of my favorite things when I'm on the phone with my best friend because she lives in Northern Virginia. So she'll call me when she's on her way home from work and she'll be like, she'll be like, dude, you're talking to a motherfucker. Like, yeah, I'm just like, who cut you off? Like, she just, she's so funny. But she's also the same person that, like, when I drive, she's the same way whether I'm on the phone with her or I'm in the car with her. But she also, like, if she has to slam her brakes off, she's the first person to reach out and, like, full arm, like, I'm like, I have a seatbelt on. She's like, I know. But I'm like, you just wanted to grab my tit. I know. It's okay. Nice. I'm on a motorcycle 90 % of the time.

13:33 I got to be careful my actions because it's not like being in your car where you start screaming at somebody, lipping them, and they don't even notice. Yeah. On a bike, I give you the I hate you look. They're just like, fuck you. Yeah. So I try to avoid that. But I'm still thinking it just so you people know. If you're staying with traffic pretty much like and you're going over the speed limit and everybody's doing over the speed limit. That's one thing. Correct. It's when you're Jeff Gordon in your way through speed. People are so guilty. That's when the cops are like, what is this? When the state trooper has. Two cars pulled over on the side of the road, and you jam on your brakes when you see him. Oh, my God. Guilty motherfucker. Yeah. He ain't coming after you. He's already busy. Furthermore, get in the habit of throwing a GPS on. It does two things. Number one, it reminds you where you're going so you're not looking around like an idiot. You don't know where you're going, people. Sorry. Oh, a GPS everywhere, even if I know where I'm going. And then it will tell you, speed check ahead. Yeah. Or if you have Waze, police, you know, it'll tell you where the cops are. Number three, you don't need to drive 100 miles an hour. If the speed limit is 70, go 80. We even go 85 in Florida. We pass state troopers. It's like, you ain't who I'm looking for. We're looking for the kid on the sport bike doing 120. Or the guy driving the Hellcat. If the speed limit is 70, people don't mind driving 80. When you go to a state where the speed limit is 80, people are scared to drive much faster than 80. But the people who are scared to drive 80 will get their fucking ass in the right lane. And that is the ticket. So every,

15:05 listen to me, country, change your fucking speed limit to 80 or 85. I don't give a shit. But 70 is too fucking slow. And Jake and I are at that age. Well, we remember our mom and dad driving the old double nickel down the I -10. And that was some old bullshit. I don't know how anybody got any fucking where. Yeah. Sammy Hager just came screaming into my head, I can't drive 55. I can't drive 55. If you have a GPS app on your phone. or a GPS unit, and you have it on all the time, but yet you want to argue with it about where it's wanting to take you, technology has advanced to the point. where most even a cheap gps app will get you from point a to point b and it will calculate the quickest way to get there based on traffic blah blah blah blah blah just because you've been driving to this point a to point b for your whole fucking life and you know how to get there when the gps tells you how to get there and it takes you a different way fucking trust it I have a usual way that I go to the Nashville VA, but there's probably 20 different ways that you could take. But I will put my GPS on every single time, particularly with Nashville. On any given day, I will have to take one of those 20 different other routes because people are just being fucking stupid.

16:19 I know how to get there, but the app will say, go this way instead, and you'll get there quicker. GPS is work. I've been driving for 50 fucking years. I know how to get there. Bullshit, you don't. The GPS knows how to get there better than you do. So this has been a very, very, very salty episode. But it is, as promised, from episode, somewhere around episode three or four, this is our weekly therapy with one another. It keeps us from fucking going Harry Caray. From pit maneuvering people on the road. Yeah, pit maneuvering people on the interstate. We realize that laws exist.