The 4th Hole

0:00 Stop making me feel all self -conscious. I'll have to touch my boobies. Calm myself down. Hey, this is JJ, and I'm fondling myself, and you're listening to What the F***. I love Niecy Nash. Oh, my God. That woman could suffocate me with them titties. They need to crack a book that starts with the word dick and ends with shenary. I did not realize we were going to have this. this much good stuff. You were not mentally prepared? No, and I'm glad. I have no filter sometimes. Being mentally prepared is for fucking losers. TMI should be my middle name. I want that shit smashed in my face, man. Watch this right here.

0:40 Watch. But it like, it went through. Really? Fucking dog. It went. Were you having weird kinky sex? No. What do they call it? The fourth hole? Yeah. We're not editing any of this shit out. I do have a hole in the back of my thigh. Fuck yeah, you do. Because I fell on a piece of rebar and stabbed myself. Whatever helps you sleep at night, kiddo. Be your nuggets. Be fucking you up. No, I actually quit drinking those. Or quit eating those. Let me tell you what I did today, though. Hey, this is JJ, and you're listening to What The F... Today on What the Fuck, in 1994, a very young Jake was being transferred from Roanoke, Virginia, Navy recruiting duty to Rotational Crew Delta in Ingleside, Texas. So I don't know exactly. If it was 1994 that I met JJ, but it was... No, 95. 95. I was living off base with my buddy Dave and a few other pals. And because of the name of our command, we titled our trailer Delta House. And we lived up to the reputation of Delta House, Animal House. And JJ quickly became a Delta groupie. And that's kind of the best way to put it. I like that. Would you agree

2:11 with that there, JJ? In the beginning, absolutely. But at some point within the first year, I morphed into less of a groupie and more of one of you. Yeah. Because I was in on the pranks. I was in on the smack talking. I was coming up with the crap to do. So, JJ, you were active duty Navy? I was not. I was a teenager. I had just graduated high school at 94. Get square the fuck out of town. Yeah. She wasn't even legal. I was making assumptions that you were. Yeah, I know. How dare you assume, Don? You were a fucking squid like the rest lives. And I get it. I get it. But I'm Gen X and we don't give a fuck. Yeah, we just. No, I had just finished school. I thought maybe you were Navy girl. JJ was actually mentioned on the episode with. Well, actually, she's been mentioned on two episodes, one with Dave. They call her Domino. So we mentioned JJ. there. The other episode, I don't remember. The onions.

3:08 The one with the onions. We were at some club. We got hungry. We said, let's go to Whataburger, grab a burger. And we went there. We drove back to the club before we decided to eat our food. And that's when I bit into the sandwich and discovered it had onions. And JJ got behind the wheel and she drove us barreled back to the Whataburger. She chucked that burger across the counter and she said, what part of no fucking onions do you not understand? It was amazing to watch. I hate onions. That does, in fact, sound amazing. And we Thank you from a long line of sailors that we meet people like you. The story itself is funny. But what is really funny is my personality back then was more fun loving and I was not very confrontational. So for me to lose my shit, everybody was mind boggling. No, JJ didn't do that. Yeah, dude, she did. Yeah, we came up with our little tradition. We would have parties and at the end of the party, you always knew that the party was over. When we would start singing karaoke and the very last song would be The River by Garth Brooks. And JJ would get up there and sing it with me and do the harmony parts. That's when you knew, when you heard The River, start winding down. Get with whoever you're going to get with.

4:13 Drink up because this is it. Were you there the day that we told Grammy that he had to streak? Yes, I was. I watched it. I laughed. It was my favorite thing. Back then, Grammy was the absolute... Crush of my heart, love of my life. I wanted him so bad. And he's a cop now. Yep. He was the most clean cut one, but he really wanted to be a part of Delta House. So he came over one night and we told him that if you really want to do this, then everyone here has done this. You need to streak around the trailer park. You know, nothing on but your tennis shoes. He did his part. He did. And he exceeded that. There was a bar behind the trailer park. Oh, God bless him. He ran out and ran into the front door of the bar, through the bar, through the back door and came back. He was a overachiever. Well, and when you say that he was clean cut, what? he means by that it's not only his appearance was clean cut but you could make him blush by saying pussy like he would just Flaming red. He was a nice boy. Really? He was a good boy. He was just a good kid. And he whipped out his Johnson and ran through a fucking bar. Ran through a bar. Love that guy already. And then when he got back, we promptly told him that none of us had done that. Is this young man still around?

5:23 Oh, absolutely. He's a cop in Michigan. We need his ass on this motherfucking show. I'd be like, listen. He's adorable. Don't pull any punches, man. I mean, officer. Officer. Sergeant. The invitation has already been made. That's awesome. That is the best. Actually, that's one of the best things. That's why I say my relationship with you guys started off as groupie and morphed into something else because I'm still friends with all of these people today. Oh, yeah. We talk and stuff. Nice. I've been very lucky. I told Dave last night, I said, JJ's coming on the show. He's like, holy shit. Yeah. That's fucking great, man. See, I love stories like that because, yeah, that's good stuff. Yeah, friendship. So, JJ, you've been listening to the show. Always. So you know what we do here.

6:03 Last time you thought it, said it, screamed it. 10 minutes before I got around here? So I am officially into menopause. Up until now, it's really just been like the hot flashes, the heat. You know, like I'm so hot. And I get hot enough that I like, I mean, it gets bad enough you throw up and it's a horrible thing. You feel like you're on fire. But here in the last couple of months, it's been more like this emotional roller coaster from hell. And anytime this bitch wants to let me off, I'll be appreciative of it because this is bullshit. I am crying over a fucking meme on Facebook. I mean, like, what the? And then literally, and I'm not kidding, literally my husband rolls in on his wheelchair and I'm like, what the fuck do you want, Tubby? I mean, you're breathing. Can you just fucking not? Is this just now happening to you in menopause? I'm starting to hit Perry and I'm already like that. For me and Perry, it was a lot less. It was like these long stretches. It don't take much to make Sammy cry these days. For the most part, you know, I was having the anger issues kind of a thing up until now. It's more like, oh, you're breathing.

7:09 Oh, you're chewing funny. Oh, you blinked. You know, I mean, it's stupid stuff. But, you know, that's what was breathing my air. Yeah. Don't look at me. I'll see my ADHD has had me that way in my whole life. Yeah. What you call stupid stuff is a lifestyle for me. Not anymore. I've chilled out. Yeah, and I tend to be a very optimistic person. I'm usually in a good mood. If I'm in a bad mood, something's wrong. And so for me to be this dragon lady from hell. Yeah. Sammy and I talk about this, JJ, all the time about our ADHD because we've been diagnosed with this shit. We take fucking medication. Yeah. Somebody told me this. Somebody smarter than I. It said, listen, if you wake up in the morning and you meet an asshole, you know what happened? You met an asshole. Yeah. But if you wake up every single day and you meet an asshole, you are the asshole. And that was a formative day in my life.

8:06 I was like, holy fucking shit. I am the asshole. I am the Karen, the Ken, the fuck you guy. And everybody around you was like, you're just not figuring this out. Yeah, I didn't want to do that shit anymore. I mean, listen, Jake and I have worked together long enough where he's seen. I mean, I used to be, I'd get very emotional about some shit. But now, I just. And likewise, you've seen me get sporty. Oh, God. Yeah, we've gotten sporty as fuck, dude. And we're just now. It's like, man, I'll just love life too much. We've gotten sporty with each other. Absolutely. We have. Give the fuck. Yeah. I think that's what makes our relationship so good, though. Yeah. We are. vehemently opposed on certain subjects and we don't give a fuck. Yeah. I mean, none. Yeah. I've just gotten to that point in life.

8:48 I'm like, I'm not going to argue with stupid. I'm not arguing with anybody. I used to, I used to be that way. I'd want to argue or, you know, I'd want to be right. Well, and I don't care. If you want to talk about it and have a conversation, we can have a conversation. I can say I hate such and such, but I can still listen to you and respect that you may have those views. I'm just going to tell you. That's great that you do. I don't. I'm happy for you. We're still buddies. We're good. I usually am able to do that. There have been a few occasions, like I said, you can't argue with stupid. And if you're just going to not be willing to listen. then it's just not worth talking to you about. And that, I think, is a bigger problem. People don't want to listen to the other person. People want to be right.

9:31 You're exactly right, Jake. Yeah, you want to be right. Jake and I spoke about this three years ago when we started on this journey of trying to figure out Jake's brainchild to do this podcast. And we just started it recently. But it was going to be Jake and I in our opposition to politics. And we don't talk about politics on this show for a reason. No, and as you shouldn't. No, we don't. Politics aren't fucking fun. funny no you know i'm funny politics but anyway the point is that the stupid part is that people will not flex if they hear it if they think feel or believe and i'll be the first guy to tell you i don't give a shit what you think feel or believe it does not matter to me one i oh yeah no yeah i want to know what you know yeah you know it's just like going to court doesn't matter what you believe it only matters what you can prove yeah exactly and another one is if you're scared of the answer Buy a motherfucking dog. Yeah.

10:20 If you're scared, buy a dog. What? I got four. I like that. Take one. I'm not sure where that part of that conversation stemmed from. Probably me. If Don and I had pursued that original concept, the show wouldn't have lasted because everyone is fucking doing that, right? Yeah. There's only so much that you can argue about. And then it's the same shit day in and day out a lot of times. But here's the cool thing about what we're doing. There's going to be no shortage of material. Somebody is always going to be saying or wondering or yelling what the fuck at something that is happening in real time in their life. And it doesn't have to do with politics. It's everyday life. You make a very strong point there, Jake, because every fucking day, every day, some motherfucker.

11:07 is driving in the left lane who needed to be all the way over in the right lane. Not the middle lane. The left lane, motherfuckers, is for crime. God damn it. Every day I'm left dealing with people that refuse to commit crimes in the name of sanity. If you in my lane, we committing crimes. We talked about this yesterday. So road rage is one of those things where you can talk off. You know what? Okay, I'll just go ahead and say it. Road rage is kind of like politics in the fact that it's always going to be there. People are always going to be screaming about it. OK, so we had to get that episode out of our system. It was building up to that. There were a couple episodes prior to that where we would kind of talk about it. And then finally, I don't know what happened. I think I opened it up with that crazy chick that was in a high -speed chase.

11:58 Called AAA. Spiked her tires, and then she called AAA. And then from there, it just divulged to... At the end of the day, it really was a fun episode. It was. The only other what -the -fuck I've had happen was for my birthday back in April, a very good friend of mine sent me a Kindle ColorSoft. Which is a very nice, expensive gift. Nice. How do you like it? I didn't. I sent it back. Oh. Really? Okay. Was it because the coloring was funky and like had the yellow bar of light at the bottom? I use a Kindle to read. I don't read magazines. I don't read. So it did me no good. Unless you're reading comics and shit. Yeah. For me, it was just not the right product. But you sent it back. I sent it back. Yeah. $307.

12:42 I waited for almost a month. My birthday was April 4th. I got it like the 5th. I sent it back on the 8th, May 20th. There was a blurb on there saying that there's a problem with your return. Please contact us. Contacted them. Turns out it was a backlog, whatever, blah, blah, blah. Talked to the people and they're very nice. They get me within two days. I had $307 back in my account, my credit. And I'm like, fantastic. This is amazing. So did you get a paperweight instead? No, I got the scribe. Oh, did you? Oh, you got the scribe. I went and got the scribe. Ordered that on like June 8th. And well, today, June 25th, I get an email saying your refund has been issued. What? So they're not going to send it to you? No, I've got another $307 in my Amazon account. She got the scribe and she got the refund. JJ is a fucking thief. But she's a thief due to somebody else's incompetence.

13:40 Correct. Yeah, they just sent me the... And I love exploiting other people's incompetence. That's a real nice gift horse. So now I'm sitting here. Big fan. Moral fucking dilemma. Because... So I call my mother. Because what do I do, Jake, when I need something? I call mommy. What did mom say? Mom said. Just use that money towards buying books to put on your Kindle. I told mom and she said. If I had $300 to spend on Kindle books, I would go insane. She was fantastic. I said, mom, I got a moral dilemma. And she taught me how to be an asshole and a bad person. And she, I tell her what happened. And she starts laughing. She goes, fuck that. Keep the money.

14:20 Keep the money. Not even a thing. In this economy, babe, keep that money. Buy you some books. I was rolling. I'm like, actually, and what's even worse is I buy, I get a bunch of free books. And I mean, like right now for a good 10 years, four of us shared the same Kindle account for books. So I have a god awful stupid amount. Like my to be read pile will never get read in my lifetime. Do you subscribe to BookBub? Yeah, I do. Hey, you know what I'm talking about. Mine's full because of BookFub too, yes. If you subscribe to Kindle Unlimited, most of the books on there suck balls. However, when you get into factual things, like I'm into fermenting and pickling and canning and shit, they've got tons of instructional books on there. There's not a lot of books on there like the New York Times number ones and all that stuff that I give a shit about. I'm just there for the smut. The smut. Yes, you are.

15:14 Yeah, the dirtier the better. There's a lot of smut. Kindle Unlimited. Sammy, what you're saying about your smut consumption? I read it like it's my damn job. Yeah, baby. I wish I could get paid to read it. Shit. Girl, I guarantee you there's something out there that will pay you to do that. I can whip through these books, too. I can get through a book usually in like a day or less. I tried to narrate smut one time and I just couldn't keep a straight face and I couldn't. Yeah, now narrating is a whole other story. I would start laughing so hard trying to narrate. I'd be like, I can't do this. I was going to say, you've probably come across like as you're going through your genres. and downloading books and stuff on book bug there sometimes you gotta slip into the weird shit like the you know paranormal monsters going well i like monster smut but I've started filtering.

15:58 Monster smut. Yes, I've started filtering because I hate pregnancy tropes. Yeah, I hate that. I hate that too. Fucking hate them. And anything that's like single parent tropes. I'm like, I'm not here for the kids. I'm only here for the smut. Fuck the kids. I can see an audio book here that her vagina was moist. Don't. That's not an ever -allowed -to -be -used word, ever. What, vagina or moist? Moist. Oh, really? How would that line go in Monster Smut? Her... No, it's usually more so the men or the monsters. The men or the monsters, not her. They got, like, tentacles and shit. Oh, there was... I read one where it was talking about, like, a split penis.

16:38 Like, he entered her and then he entered her. Oh, and then the tail had, like, a sucker on it. Have you read Her Soul to Keep, where his is so big that it rearranged? just her guts to be able to fit inside of her? Well, Don, I do not have that problem. I do not have that problem. I'm Irish. Yeah. The only thing I got to rearrange is I got to rearrange pubic hair to find the motherfucker. That's not true. I still can't find it. You're so stupid. At this stage in life, I got erectile dysfunction so bad, who gives a fuck? That was another what the fuck? I have to put a content warning on this episode. I'm so sorry. I just brought the collective IQ down about this. All good. JJ joins the show and crashes the show. Join me in the gutter. Join me in the gutter. Listen, I guarantee you, we've got listeners out there who are like, they're funny, but what we really need is to lower the IQ. We need an offshoot. An offshoot to this. I told him. It's like book recommendations from the what the fuck crew. We need the IQ, EQ, SQ, and AQ to be totally thrown out the goddamn window. I told Jake that this would happen. I said, I'm going to get on there and people are going to be like, that chick needs to get out of the gutter. And I'm going to be like, I can't. I've been living here so fucking long. long so she used the word other than moist yeah we don't use that word in the book world what is it what the word is that right because they overuse it no it's because the word moist is so fucking gross it just in general

18:08 it's the onomatopoeia of it too just saying the word moist really yeah that one doesn't bother is that kind of like sherpa yeah it's like it's like a verbal sherpa