The Flight Of The Swirling Yack

0:00 Try not to claim too much Gemini, because Gemini chicks are c***s. What the f***, Donald? Listen, baby, I'm that guy. Bringing out the government name. The most significant thing, I think, besides me being born that day, you're welcome, motherf***ers. Dick state. She is f***ing somebody up. Oh, f***, she muted us. Yeah. I'm bumming. It's a good time to take a piss anyway, right? Yeah. She eats like a f***ing linebacker. To stretch the sauce. You got to stretch the sauce to you. If you want to clean shitters for a living, you hire professional shitters. I was going to say that, Sam. If you want to clean shitters, you hire professional shitters. Which I was. Speaking of big bitches. Speaking of big bitches, that's f***ing harder to say than what I thought it was. The views depicted in this podcast are not necessarily representative. I'm Jake Jacobs.

0:59 This is Sammy. This is the Don. And you're listening to What The F***. Welcome to What The F***, the podcast where we say all the things you're thinking. But probably shouldn't. Thanks for listening. Thanks for tuning in to season two. You talk about a what the fuck moment. I sold this big account in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, my hometown. Me and a buddy of mine, we're both senior vice presidents of this company. In order to celebrate, he and I went to the Hustler Club. To Baton Rouge, right over by LSU. I assume it's a titty bar. Of course it is. And it's very clean. There's no smoking in there. It's a classy joint with classy chicks in it. And we're sitting there.

1:45 We're having some scotch. We're both in suits. And this smoking hot little gal comes over and sits next to me. They want to get you back there for the $20, $40 lap dance, whatever they charge. And I get to talking to her. And I'm not into all that shit. I'm not not into it, but it's like that night, I just want to have a couple of drinks, move along. Come to find out. I'm friends with her dad. He and I were in high school. Oh, God. And I said, Bambi, whatever the fuck her stage name was, I said, does your dad know? She said, yeah, he's been in here before and saw me dance. I'm like, I bet that was pretty fucking. It's like weirdly incestuous to me. I like where this show's going. I watch a lot of different types of videos on YouTube. Like, I'm all over the place. But not once. Do I ever recall searching within YouTube's algorithm for porn stars or anything porn -y because YouTube doesn't have that kind of content. I don't think they have that. Nor so I thought. Well, they may have porn stars, but they're fully clothed.

2:43 Yes, yes. They're just vlogging. This video popped up, and it was about a porn star that is from Don and I's era. Her name was Ginger Lynn. Hell yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. Now, Ginger Lynn is linked to Charlie Sheen and Hollywood, and she's a well -known name. She's retired now, but I don't know why this popped up on my feed, but it was an interview with her. She had to do four months in federal prison for... drug charges and something it was good lord but it caught my interest and i knew being youtube it wasn't going to be anything pornographic it was just an interview with her like what happened so i watched like half of it now my fucking feed is full of fucking interviews with fucking porn stars like because you watched one video man that algorithm got you yeah it got me so now my youtube is flooded with interviews with porn stars And I've watched a couple of them. And, you know, they're basically just talking about, hey, we were just trying to make a buck.

3:38 You know? I mean, that was a living for us. Yeah. I mean, you've got to put yourself through college, baby. Some of those gals that are our age now, Don, they really didn't do it for that long. They made a couple hundred videos, made some quick cash, and got the fuck out. A couple hundred videos. Do you know how much dick that is? Yeah. That's a lot of cock. Yeah, Lily Phillips. Not as much as our girl Lily. No, Lily. God bless Lily. One of the segments was Lily Phillips. I had to check out to see what she looked like. I mean, she's a pretty girl. She's also British or Australian or something. Yes, because, you know, us Americans would never do such foul filth. Here is my what the fuck for the week, meaning a friend for dinner. And I got turned around on the interstate up there and had to go down two exits, turn around and come back. Well, while I'm turning around at a stoplight, I see this car at the intersection of the stoplight and they're turning left to come down to pass me.

4:25 And I'm looking at this car and I'm like, there's something weird about their trunk because the trunk was like cracked open. And then I start looking even further. There is a hand sticking out of the trunk. and is holding a TV in a box. I'm assuming 50 -inch TV. But what I couldn't figure out was... They stuck someone back there to hold it because they didn't have ties or anything to keep it in the car. This was a four -door something or other. They must have went shopping at Walmart. Get a carton of eggs, get a thing of milk. Let's get a 55 -inch TV. Oops, oh shit, it won't fit in the car. Right. They literally laid down the trunk. to where the back seat folded down and had someone either lying on their back or lying on their stomach. I couldn't tell because it was too far away. But there was literally a person lying down in the car, holding on to the TV. Just cruising down the road. Truly, what the... That's when you go across the street to a Home Depot or a Lowe's and for 20 bucks rent a fucking truck to get it home. Yeah. And I thought about that when I saw it. I'm like, there's one way that this would work in my mind that I could make it seem somewhat... I mean, if they had taken a bungee cord and bungeed from underneath the car and up over and, you know, just at least one bungee cord. But no, whoever this person was. Was a human bungee cord. I don't know if they were on the interstate or not, but that would have been hard to hold on to because the wind hitting that box. Listen, when you find a smart TV at the right price, you become superhuman.

5:46 That's how that works. So that takes me back to my days of working at Best Buy at home theater. I remember when you worked at Best Buy and I liked it a lot. I remember when you were the guitar instructor at Best Buy. Yeah. No, these people would come in and buy these TVs knowing that they didn't have a truck. They'd pull up in a fucking Dodge Neon and want to take a 65 -inch plasma home. Will it fit in my car? What about if I take it out of the box? No, it's not going to fit. And you can't lay a plasma down. No, you can't. And then they were like, well, can you help us take it out of the box? Nope, that's not part of our job. If you want to take it out of the box and try to put it in your car, that's on you, but you're not taking it outside of the store. You take it out the store into the parking lot. Yep. And then if you damage it, that's on you, bitch. It's on you, baby. When I first started working for Best Buy, it was right at the end of the era of tube TVs.

6:30 And Sony had this 34 -inch tube TV. Huge motherfucker. That was high def. I mean, it had a terrific picture on it, but it was a tube TV. Big and heavy as a motherfucker. Oh, my God. Every time someone would buy one of those, we're like, oh, my God, we have to get this out of the warehouse. It's like your back is already telling you to fuck off, right? But true to form, we had a guy pull up. In a Dodge fucking Neon. I'm not just picking on Dodge Neons, but I mean, he literally... Oh, my brother used to drive one. Between them and what I like to call PT losers because of the ugliest fucking vehicle in the face of this earth. You know it's the same car, right? Yeah, it just elongated ever so slightly. So this guy pulls up. At least he asked first. He's like, do you think it'll fit in my car? And I'm like, what do you have? He's like, a Dodge Neon. I'm like, no, it's not going to fit in your car.

7:18 Not in your wildest dreams. I'm like, I'm positive, dude. You can push your passenger seat all the way back and lay it flat back. It's still not going to fit. It's not going to fit in the trunk? No, hell no. Hell no. So he had it in his head that he was going to get it out the front of the store and take it out of the box and fit it into his car. And I think he ended up going across the street to Home Depot to rent one of their trucks. $19 for the first seven minutes. You know, you could have done that before you came in and bought the motherfucker, but no, you had to make life more difficult. People are not that bright. Talked about my colonoscopy and that whole fiasco. Let's talk about that. That's scheduled for May 23rd. So now May 16th is my surgery on my arm, which is my dominant arm, right? So when they set the date for that, I said, is that going to cause some issues? And she's like, what do you mean? I'm like, well, surgery on my dominant arm on May 16th and my colonoscopy is May 23rd. And she goes, no, that is for your own comfort level. I'm like, that's not what I'm getting at. The surgery is on my dominant arm. There is a certain amount of preparation that goes into a colonoscopy. How am I going to wipe my ass? Exactly. And they're like, oh, we're going to leave that up to you. You're going to have to do the old switcheroonie. You're going to have to get a bidet. So, yeah, I'm glad you brought that up, Sammy. I have one. I love it.

8:33 So while I was there, I went upstairs to the third floor to talk to my therapist. I said, Julia, you might be pleased to know that surgery is scheduled for May 16th. And she stopped. She went, you're going to need a bidet. That was the first word ever. That's fucking awesome. I'm like, I don't know if I can. I just, the whole thing of having. Water squirted up my ass. Honestly, though, it's so nice. Like, it doesn't go up your asshole, Jake. It's a nice, light cleansing. It saves you on toilet paper, for one. I can imagine, yeah. Because you only have to wipe them once just to get, like, the moisture. Just as a residual. Residual, yeah. So you're not pulling your pants up and then your underwear like super soaked. So that's kind of funny, Jay.

9:17 So I just had a colonoscopy two days ago. Nice. Two days of prep. So I was prepping while at work. While at work. While at work. I was prepping while I was at work. It's like, listen, I'm selling motorcycles. Doing my thing. I'd be like, man, somebody's motorcycle's really good. And they'd be like, nope, that's Don up there farting his brains out. Well, the stuff that they gave me is this two -bottle thing. And so you drink one bottle during one day, another bottle the morning of. And it actually tasted lemon -limey. It was actually pretty good. As long as you made it cold. And so it's not like the old days. And I'm kind of driving. It's thick, though, isn't it? No, it wasn't bad at all. It just tasted a little more salty. You know, things with a lot of salt can give you the appearance of being thick. But it was fine. So I went in to, it's called Borland Groover, and it's this local place.

10:09 And you were literally on a butthole assembly line. And I walk in there. And everybody's so nice in this place. Every one of those fucking nurses were smoking hot. Of course they are. There was Ashley. There's Amber. All their fucking names started with an A. Anesthesiologist. And do you know who wanted to look at my butthole? The hottest one of them all. The fucking dude. The only dude in there. The doctor. Dr. Warren. Listen, good guy. Was he at least a good -looking man? He was a good -looking guy. All right, then. There you go. And you know me long enough, man. I will find the fun in anything. He said, great day for a colonoscopy. I said, every day is a great day for a colonoscopy. He was like, you make an interesting point. Sign me up for a new Maserati. You fucking dickhead. The anesthesiologist, who was also smoking. Puts the little thing in there. She's like, all right, I'm going to start squirting this juice. And you turn over on your left side so the dog can see your booty hole.

11:08 And I didn't give a fiddler's fuck about much of anything. She said, it's going to sting a little bit going into your veins. Spread them cheeks, boy. Oh, no. You don't get to do anything. No. Because once the juice goes in. So it's going into my. Top of my hand. She says, it's going to sting a little bit. I'm like, okay. So my goal was I wanted to focus kind of on how it felt, how long it took, this and that and the other. And it started going in. I'm talking my way through it with everybody. We're all having a big laugh. I'm like, that shit feels like somebody is running over my hand with a dump truck. She was like, yes. I said, it burns. And we're chit -chatting, laughing. I was like, all right. Oh, I said, now it's starting to fuck with my head a little bit. Everybody's laughing. I was like.

11:50 But that was the first time in my whole life that I actually kind of paid attention to the anesthesia process part of it. And so I was like, okay, night, night. And that's all I remember. It was over. Oh, they fully knock you out? Oh, yeah. You're fucking done. And the next thing I know, I'm waking up. My wife's in there. I mean, the fucking doctor had already come in there. I mean, clueless. They were like, wake up. I was like, no, fuck you. I'm sleeping like a bitch. This is great. So I say that to say this. I ever commit a capital crime and I'm convicted to the death penalty. I want to go out that way. I want them to put the juice in my hand like that and just be like, okay. Ooh, it feels like somebody's running over my hand with a dump truck.

12:32 Well, night, night. And then that's it. Cause you will never fucking know or care either one. You're right. Yeah. I remember everything, which was the first time, but, but I looked at it, I felt it. And I felt like I raised my head up and I was like, Oh no, that weighs a lot. And I put it back down on the pillow because I turned around to talk to the doctor who was behind me looking at my butthole while the smoking hot chicks were on this side over here. And I was just like, okay, night, night time. And that was the last thing I said. I was out. I was done. For those of you out there listening to our show, that's 14 minutes out of your life you can never get back, even if you like it. We're glad you're here. We love you. We appreciate you, especially here in season two. Scrambling to get my fucking license and car registration switched over to North Carolina finally after almost three years.

13:17 Did it. However. Living in crime. I did never. I know. Got the license done, and then the next day had to go do the license plate. Well, I'm standing in line outside the license plate agency, four or five people back from the door. And all of a sudden, this woman in slow motion saw it and was like, oh, no, this is going to be real bad. She starts falling out. And I'm like, I bet you she's having a hypoglycemic situation happening. Sure as shit. So she fell out, and the guy who was standing in front of her is sitting there trying to help her up. Random guy in line behind her was like, I've got a water bottle in my car. Let me go get you water. Like, do you have glucose tablets? Do you have something to eat or drink or ingest to bring your sugar levels up or whatever? And so she drank the water and I think she had a granola bar or something in her purse that would help bring it up. So she drinks all that whenever she's finally standing back up. maybe two minutes later falls out again oh my god we were like oh my falls out and then they get her sitting back up and then all of a sudden she's vomits everything everywhere and i was like oh no i'm a sympathy puker i can't do this me too so the girl who i was in line with the day before who was like two people ahead of me she calls 9 -1 -1 and they get an ambulance there this woman and she's like her legs are like covered in vomit i'm like I mean, granted, it's predominantly water, but at the same time, it's like, it's still vomit. Oh, the puke water.

14:41 Ambulance and them get there, and they're checking her out, and they're like, do you want to go to the hospital? She goes, no, I need to get my license plate done. I'm like, I feel that, but at the same time. She's motivated, baby. She's like, I'm fucking here. You're covered in vomit. So she got herself up. And the people that were ahead of her and everything even grabbed her a number ticket so that if she were actually going to walk in, they'd be like, here, we got you a ticket. Yeah, they were so nice. Being in the South. There is hope for the world. She came in and she freaking did. I love that. I mean, I think they helped clean her up a little bit, but that's dedication, man. I would have lost my place in line because that would have been... Jake would have been like... Nah, these people grabbed her a ticket. Fuck you. Well, the people inside the license plate agency saw this all happening too. So they were like, as soon as she came in, they were like, we'll just, we'll take you now kind of thing. And I'm going to revisit the Dave Gaddis episode. And I'm not going to talk too much about this because it is pretty disgusting, but there's a chapter in the book. If you want to go listen to it, you can hear me struggle through this. chapter the chapter is called bahama mamas and he was working with the bahamian special forces group him and some other guys went out the night before and got fucking tore up fucking shit they had to be in a helicopter the next day dave was sitting there he's like i'm gonna fucking lose it not thinking he tries to barf outside of the helo and He did, and it came right back in the cabin.

16:04 I imagine that was an absolute shit show. It started spraying people, and he said literally everybody was puking at that point. He turned it into a vomit party. By the time they landed, they were about ready to kick his ass. Oh, no. But the way that he wrote it. The poor Hilo pilot who had to clean out that afterwards. You can bet your ass it wasn't the pilot that cleaned it up. Or whoever had to clean it up was probably like, what the fuck are they doing here? I had to do several takes on that chapter because it was funny, but it was disgusting at the same time in the way that he wrote it. it but yeah if you want a good laugh bahama mamas yeah when i was flying helicopters in the navy i had a little funny moment and i was in training jet engine oil is called mill l 23 699 this shit'll kill you and i licked some off the side of the airplane you know off the helicopter flying 860s and we have big doors wide open we're cruising this qualified crew chief looked at me like you're an idiot dude i'm like yeah well fuck off And we're tough guys. But we were on final. We were going to get some gas, and we were going to go to the Piedmont line. So this is how long ago it was. I had met my future ex -wife there. I had puked out the door, and I had just eaten a big ham and cheese sub. And it came, it went right out and it came right back in and it swirled.

17:14 It was called Flight of the Swirling Yak. And one of the, one of our crew chiefs, Jim Gorthy. Did you say the Flight of the Swirling Yak? Flight of the Swirling Yak. And Gorthy was a crew chief, a door gunner, he'd been around for a long time. And he drew a picture. He would draw things, pencil drawings. And that fucking picture is still out there floating around somewhere. Me and Sparky puked out that fucking door. It sent puke swirling through that fucking cabin, all the way up, hit the windscreen, the whole thing, all of this fucking 860. And we landed, and we taxied up, and we shut down. And this, my future ex -wife, she shows up on a Piedmont tow tractor. And she looks in there, and she was like, oh, honey, did you get sick? I was like, yes, ma 'am. She was like, I'll be back. She came back.

17:59 She had Windex and a fucking roll of bounty paper towels. I was like, I'll clean it up. She was like, no, no, I got this. I was like, I think I'm in love. I'm going to marry you and divorce you later, girl. Oh, yeah, easily. Yeah, we were definitely getting divorced. We now have the title of this episode, Flight of the Swirling Yak. I was just about to say. If I find that picture, I swear I'll send it out to you guys. Oh, my gosh. That's so funny. So what Dave was saying, when you try to puke out of a helicopter, it ain't happening, y 'all. No. It's going to come right back a hundredfold. He said the Bahamian Special Forces guys were not happy by the time they landed. Oh, I'm sure. I was gagging while I was fucking narrating that part of the book, man. I did listen to that book, too. You did?

18:43 a great job on it, but I'll have to go back to that chapter. Bahama Mamas, yeah. That's terrifying. Redo that chapter and see if I pull anything out of that. By the way, for those of you in What the Fuck Land, if you're not listening, Jake is a narrator. He does audiobooks, and he is the narrator. on several books out there. So if you want more of that smooth -ass voice, go look up some audibles with him. That's right, baby. The Noble Experiment. The Noble Experiment. Dave Gaddis. Dave picked Jake out of a group, and Jake did it just half -assed. I ain't even going to get this gig, and he did. And frankly, as judgmental as I can be, Jake, you did a great job on that. It's a fucking phenomenal book.

19:25 Dave did a great job on that book, and yeah, it's worth listening to for sure. Thank you.