What The Duck (Season 1 Finale)

0:00 Which means he probably has a small penis. God damn it. It's not what his wife says. Janky ass puzzle piece. Tweet, tweet, motherfucker. Look at my new knife. I used it to do surgery on my box. Yeah, don't say that. Sammy, please. I did, I had to cut up a box. Unless you're talking about dick size and we always round up anyway. Yeah, and I'm Irish, so she's dumber than me. Wow. I'm Jake Jacobs. This is Sammy. This is the Don. And you're listening to What the Fuck.

0:41 Hey, what's up, everybody? Welcome to the season one finale of What the Fuck, the podcast where we say all the things you're thinking but probably shouldn't. That's right. This is the Don, and I'm here with Sammy and Jake. Kind of shocking, but we're wrapping up the first season. The only way we know how, and that's absolutely zero filter and a whole hell of a lot of opinions. You think? Yeah, Don, we've talked about everything from OnlyFans, Lily Phillips, bad bosses, and, you know, probably offended a couple people along the way. But, I mean, you signed up for that, right? So grab a drink, buckle up, and let's get into it one last time this season. Welcome to the season finale of What the Fuck. I got a what the fuck about driving, if I may. Oh, absolutely. Let's hear this. We've been very blessed in our life. We have nice things. And my wife drives a Toyota TRD Pro Tacoma with all the bells and whistles. This thing is blacked out fucking sweet. It's definitely a dude truck.

1:40 It used to be mine, but she wanted it. I think it was Friday, maybe. She says, hey, I got to go to PetSmart to go get some shit for the dogs and the cat. Like, okay, well, have fun. Do you need anything? No. She's gone for about an hour. I get a phone call or a text. Somebody hit my truck in the parking lot and took off. Goddamn. You fucking serious? This is why we can't have that shit. Walk your ass in there and tell them to pull the footage. Well, the thing is, it was parked in a place with no footage. I was so pissed. I just get bent out of shape mad, and I'm mad at everybody else. So this fucking person, I guess they smashed into her truck, and it's the front. And if you guys know anything about it, the 2019 Tacoma has this. very exaggerated kind of look at me front end on it, you know? Yeah.

2:24 And it's made out of this rubber plasticky shit. So somebody whacked it. My wife is mortified. She's afraid I'm going to fucking come unhinged, which I kind of did. And it had nothing to do with that. It was just like, oh, you know, you know how ADHD folk like to feel sorry for ourselves sometimes. You know, can I just have some peace in my life? Goddamn, some bullshit every fucking day. In any case, so I'm sitting here kind of, you know, feeling sorry for myself, just pissed off the world. And I remembered I saw a video one time about how to fix this plasticky rubber shit. with boiling water. So I have this fucking kettle, this electric kettle, heated up the bowl of water. Oh, because it, memory, muscle memory. Fuck yeah. So you heat that shit up. And in any case, that didn't work because this is some pretty thick stuff. This is on the front, but it's solving it up enough. So I remembered I got this. Super duper hairdryer, this heater for shrink wrap and things like that. And I pulled a couple of bolts out where I could get my hand inside the fender to that thing, heated it up with this thing. And in 10 minutes, I had this fucking thing popped up and fixed like you read about and then put it all back together. It literally took 20 minutes to do the whole job. And so I had two what the fucks there. And folks, remember, this is part of our therapy sessions internally.

3:36 That's true. One of the what the fucks is what happened to you as a child? you would hit somebody's vehicle and then fucking leave like a pussy. I hate you and I hope you hang. And then the other what the fuck was, Don, you can fix anything. Why do you get so pissed off? Yeah, that was a big what the fuck, man. If you hit somebody's vehicle, just try to be honest about it. Leave a card or something. I had a kid run back into my truck at a bar one night. We were somewhere in Tennessee and this bar is packed. This kid literally came in. hunted me down. Hey, sir, do you own the black truck out there? I says, yeah. He said, I backed into it. You know what happened? Whoa. I walked out there. I looked at my truck. It was another one of those little plasticky things. I knew I could fix it. I looked at him. He was not toasted, but he was, he had probably had a few drinks. And I was like, I'll tell you what, dude, because you're honest. Why don't you get in that little brown car and go to fuck on home and don't ever mention this again and stay out of trouble. This is not worth a life sentence for you. you know, 10 ,000 bucks or whatever a DUI cost. That's all I ask is for people to just to be, I don't know, adulty sometimes.

4:46 Well, the fact that he was honest about it and sought you out to tell you that there alone. He came through the bar and he didn't know it was me. So he went through a lot of people. I mean, this could have been a giant source of embarrassment and he could have just as easily hauled and no one would have known. And he could have just as easily, as soon as he realized that it was you and he saw you, he could have easily said, no, I'm good. But he didn't. I mean, he came up, he said, sir, do you have a black truck? I'm like, do I look like a guy that has a black truck? Yes. Okay. So anyway. Don! I didn't say that. I was like, yes, sir, I do. And he said, well, I hate it. What do I look like? I got a pink truck, bitch? Why's it got to be black?

5:26 Yeah, why's it got to be a black thing, dog? Why's it got to be black? Motherfucker. But anyway, this other person, which I expect. would be a senior citizen because they didn't just clip it. They motherfucking ran into it. I mean, it smushed. And we have a lot of senior citizens here, and I have nothing but respect for that generation. So please, nobody get online and give us a Yelp review of Zero because that's not how I roll. I don't think we have enough listeners to have to worry about that. However the fuck we get rated on Apple or YouTube or whatever. But anyway, that was one of my what -the -fuck moments for the week. So that's going to be a great segue into this. Folks, to anyone who's listening out there, if you like what we're doing, whatever platform that you're on. If there is an option to leave a review or comments or anything, please do that. We'd love to hear from you and we'd love to hear what you think of the show. And if you have some funny what the fuck moments that you think would sound good on a show, let us know. We will definitely get that on the air for you. So leave us a review. Yeah, Jake, that's a good call, man. We couldn't do this without the support of our listeners. And we really and truly do appreciate you and love you. So thank you so much. So basically what's been happening that I've noticed is and I've taken screenshots because. If I have to go do a fucking class action lawsuit, I'm gonna have receipts. So basically what happens is every time that I've had to reach out to Dasher support and question anything as far as like, so the way that it's just like any company, it's got metrics that you have to meet. There's silver, gold, and platinum tier. And to reach those, you have to have certain metrics in place. Well,

6:59 for the longest time, once I hit platinum, I stayed in platinum and I was doing great. And then all of a sudden they changed their... metrics and they went from a percentage based thing to certain markets and areas are now point based. And it dropped me out of platinum into gold because it was saying that my on time rate was 87%, which means that out of a hundred, cause it's a rolling hundred deliveries. So you're telling me that I've had 13 late deliveries in the last hundred that I've had. I said, I can promise you, I have not seen red on my screen on any fucking delivery that I've done since starting. And every time. I've called to ask them about it when I'm trying to explain to them, it's saying this, I know for a fact, and I also had gotten a notification that said after getting to the delivery point, you sat there for 10 minutes or more before delivering the order. And I'm like, I promise you there's no fucking way I've ever done that. Improbable, impossible, never happened. So when I called them to talk to them about this and they kept telling me, no, no, no, no, it's not affecting your thing. And I'm like, I promise you it's affecting me. It bumped me out of platinum into gold, which takes away my ability to do catering.

8:06 orders bigger orders that pay more this that and the other this is ridiculous and so i kept and i was very cordial i was not being mean i was not cursing i was not yelling i was not being a carrot and i talked to a supervisor or manager or something oh they'll have to call you back guess what nobody's ever fucking called me back after that when i tried to call back later they'd answer and i'd be like yeah i was calling back because i spoke to somebody earlier about whatever immediately hung up on me this happened like six times in a row you've been red flagged yeah so then i had to message them the other day it was sitting at that 87 for a month i said that's impossible i've done at least over 100 orders i had to have flushed out whatever bullshit was in there so message them about the whole conversation again haven't talking to whoever just screenshotted the whole conversation and after that they put me in what i'm calling dasher jail because i went into the app because i was going to go dash because it had said it was busy suddenly jacksonville completely dead every other area around me was showing busy or very busy Jacksonville dead I said there is no fucking way if you're gonna be fucking assholes about this then I'm gonna jump over to Uber Eats so I went to Uber Eats and I had an order for Chick -fil -a and I walked into Chick -fil -a and there was like me and like six other Uber Eats and DoorDash for people standing there waiting for orders and I looked at somebody who like I saw them pull up the order and I saw that it was a DoorDash and I said hey quick question for you does it show you right now that DoorDash for this area is busy or very busy they're like oh yeah and I'm like Huh, good to fucking know. So they put me in Dasher Jail

9:37 because at gold level, I can't just hit dash now whenever I want. You can only do that when you're platinum. So they put me in Dasher Jail for the day. But yeah, every time I've had to reach out and anytime I question anything, and I've reached out to the Twitter account too, and somebody reached back out and was like, oh, send us a message or whatever, because I posted on their page and they were like, send us a message. Guess what? I've sent them two messages, no fucking response. Wow. So DoorDash is very quickly getting on my shit list. I was starting to feel left out because a lot of people I knew were getting these toll messages. You know, pay this toll. It's sitting on the news, right? I finally got one. Now, most times these are bots. And if you respond to it with anything other than a Y for a yes or an N for no, you'll get this line doesn't accept. But this one didn't. Easy pass final reminder. You have an outstanding toll. Your total account balance is outstanding. Right away, they're just repeating themselves with their language. Who the fuck taught you English, motherfucker?

10:35 Anyway, that wasn't racist, by the way. I'm just making an observation. If you fail to pay by March 24th, which is tomorrow, oh my God, you will be penalized or subject to legal action. Then it says now, like the word now, payment. The fuck does now payment mean? Then there's a link. And then it says, please reply Y for yes. Then exit this text and open it again to activate the link or copy the link to your Safari browser and open it. That's not going to fucking happen. Please settle your toll immediately after reading this message to avoid penalties for delaying the payment. Thank you for your cooperation. So I decided to have a little fun with this, right? So I just fired off a quick one, basically see if I would get an automated response saying it doesn't work that way. So I said, fuck off directly. A couple minutes went by. I didn't get anything. Then I said, blow me. Nothing.

11:26 Then I said, eat shit. A couple minutes go by. Then I said, fuck off and die. And I never got any responses and I was kind of disappointed with that. But the bottom line is I work from home and I rarely drive. So easy pass. Ain't no way. I do have an easy pass in my vehicle, but. I haven't had one since my recruiting days in New Jersey. Okay. So easy pass. I know you're a legitimate business. So I'm not picking on you. But whoever the stupid motherfucker is that's trying to get people to pay this, stop doing it. Because when I'm really, really bored and I'm off work right now because I'm on medical leave, I will start digging into shit. And I will fucking track your shit down. And I'll start fucking with you in ways that you never imagined. Yeah, I don't. Mine's an easy pass, too. He's the Liam Neeson of scammers. I will find you and I will kill you. I will get on the phone with you for an hour, an hour and a half, two hours, however long it takes to make you think that I'm going to pay this shit. And I'll keep stringing you along and along and along. along and along and along. You're not getting a fucking dime from me, but I'm wasting your time. Right.

12:21 The time that you're spending dealing with me is less time you're actually scamming other people. Yeah. In regards to your job inquiry, I have an offer for a full or part -time personal assistant job, blah, blah, blah. All right. Send me your email. Then I can send you the website to go through and read the terms and necessary information you need for the job. Space period, lowercase. Do you understood? Dead giveaway, right? Like, okay, no. I don't understood. I don't be understood, son. You see, now. Now we're going to touch on another thing that's one of my fucking pet peeves. I'm a fucking grammar Nazi. Oh, yeah. I will fucking admit it. If I'm on social media and if somebody is trying to make a point, particularly if it's a meme or if it's something that somebody was trying to be creative with. You know what I meant. So that response there, you know what I meant or you knew what I meant. When you're dealing with someone that's trying to scam you and they make a slip up like that and you fucking call them on their shit. You knew what I meant.

13:18 It's not a proper response. If I knew what you fucking meant, I would have asked. do it to my daughter all the time she'll use like improper grammar and i'll correct her she's like whatever you know what i meant i'm like they're there and they're your your don't even get me started on that shit because i will fucking you know uh improper use of theirs make me they trigger me yeah you can over semanticize something is that even a word it sounds cool if it's not it sounded good but it sounded sexy actually listen if we're talking if you and i are speaking and you're speaking in terms of your, your, and your, and they, you know, two, two, and two, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, I get it if you really don't know. But when you put it in writing, and this is unfortunate, people judge you based on your ability to write. There was a time where people will make an excuse. They'll say, this was sent from my iPhone. Please excuse grammatical errors. Oh, no, fuck that. How about no? No.

14:12 No, we're not going to do that. How about you proofread your fucking email and send it out now? Not for nothing. I am the poster child. If you look in the Webster's Dictionary, for those of you who know what that is, and look under guaranteed to be a fuck up, my picture's right next to it. Because I will fuck up something and I look at it and go, God damn, I can't believe I did that again 100 % of the time. So I understand that people do it, but I expect to be judged harshly. This is why I like the fact that with iPhones, there's an edit option now for when it inevitably auto -corrects a your to the wrong your or a there to the wrong there. And I'm like, bitch, I spelled it right the first time. Yep. I always send it, then read it, and then edit.

14:54 Just so you know, I will never say duck you, okay? Never. I'm never saying duck you. It is always fuck you. I went to the trucking, you know, I went to the trucking store. No. No, it's always fuck. I will never say duck off. I will never say what the duck. I mean, come on. What the duck? Although, we could change the show name in season two to What the Duck. Said no one ever. No, we're not fucking doing this. So let's talk about Walmart. Yeah, I want to hear about line skippers at the Walmart self -checkout. Fucking Walmart. So here's the deal, okay? I know there's two camps with this. Some people really have an issue with the self -checkout.

15:37 Like, fuck, I'm not a Walmart employee. Why the fuck do I have to do self -checkout, right? And I understand that from a certain perspective. I'm the other person. I don't mind the self -checkout. I've gotten so fucking good at it now. I have my own method. I'm in and out. Zip, zip, zip. I'm done. I'm the fuck out of there the least amount of time that I have to spend in there. Especially when you've only got a couple things. Why do you need to stand in a fucking line and let somebody scan it? Do it yourself. This Walmart, when you go to check out, if you're in the line that forms to the right, you go to the right. If you're in the line that forms to the left, you go to the registers to the left. And each section has a whole bunch of self -checkouts. And in each of those sections, there are sometimes two or three. registers where you can actually just go to a register somebody can check you out right so i'm in the right line i get up to the point where i'm standing there and i'm looking over to the right which is where you're supposed to go and i'm looking for the next available one as soon as i see green i'm going this cocksucker to the left of me he should be looking to the left to go that way he decides that he sees the green light to the right and decides it's going to be a good fucking idea to cut in front of me oh yeah i wasn't having it i'm like uh Do you not understand how this fucking works? And then he just kind of stood there like, what are you going to do? Fucking fight me for it? And then I proceeded to go over to the one that just lit up. So then I'm like, okay, that was a one -off. So a couple days go by. And for whatever reason, I'm in that right line again. It's just because some of the things I shop for, it just makes more sense for me to enter it from that way. So this time, it wasn't a fucking idiot that was in the left line that cuts in front of me. I had a guy behind me. tried to come around me and go and take the next one that I was going to take. I'm like, that's not how this works, dude. What the fuck? I know. I'm like, I don't

17:09 care if you're in a hurry. I don't care if this is a medical emergency. I don't care if you're bleeding out of your ass. I don't care what the situation is. But you don't fucking go around people and fucking jack up the line. And I literally said, what the fuck do you think you're doing? Well, I just, no, no, there's no just to it. No, there's a line for a reason. It's not just... person seven people back from us can just jump what jake you should have sent him to the back of the line get to the back of the line right like the teacher be like oh you want to get out get to the back of the line bitch very back where you live what do they call the people that are watching you The waste of fucking salary? I'm sorry. No, the monitors, right? The helpers? Well, I mean, they do have to be there because like for spark drivers and stuff like that, they do have to come over and check our shit because we don't actually scan anything. Or the fact that 90 % of American people are idiots when it comes to self -checkout computers. And people be trying to steal shit, so they got to keep an eye on it and be like, oh. Especially through self -checkout where they won't scan everything.

18:03 She was looking at me like, please don't start a fight. She kind of like gave me the deer in a headlight look and I'm like. And I just kind of gave her a look back. I ain't going to start no fight if ain't going to be no fight. Listen, and here's the thing. Jake looks like someone who will fuck you up. So he looks like a fucking fight starter, which is partially why we don't fuck with him too much. Must be the long hair and the beard. Yeah. Yeah. I might look like a biker. You know, I don't know. Possibly. Both of these incidents, they were guys. And you would think that there would be some kind of guy code. Some dude code, exactly. Yeah, it's got to be a dude code. A bro code. Two times people tried to cut in front of me in line and both times Jake wasn't having it. And both times, both of those people were fucking idiots. You know, you just don't do shit like that. Go to an amusement park and stand in line for 45 minutes to get on a ride and try to cut the line and watch what happens. Oh, you'll get eaten the fuck up. Oh, you'll get beat up. Yeah. These wackadoodles, when you think your time is more important than everyone else's. Yeah. Drivers that matter, right?

19:16 Skipping line at the Walmart self -checkout, which to me is really. Literally the only time that I will skip line. If somebody looks behind me and goes, oh, you just have one thing. And I'm like, yeah, they're like, okay, yeah, go ahead. I mean, like, that's different. And I'm totally fine with that. And I do that shit a lot. Like, dude, grab it. But if you just like have the entitlement of like, I'm a door dasher. I'm more important than you. I need to go ahead of you. No, no, no. I will stand and wait. But if somebody goes, oh, you just have like one or two. Go ahead. You're fine, honey. Go ahead of me. You know, it never even crossed my mind that both of those individuals may have been. people that do that. They could event. Some people are like wildly entitled. They're like, Oh, I I'm on a deadline. First of all, when you are doing any of that, yes, there are timelines, but at the same time, like there's the, when you sign up, we know that you're going to encounter lines. So it's factored in. Actually, I'm glad you brought that up because this Walmart has basically did, they went through a major remodel outside of those two areas for self -checkout.

20:11 There is one lane on the left side of the store and one lane on the right side of the store. for people that are doing just that. Right. Yeah, save, which is smart. So they don't have to wait in those lines, okay? Sponsor us, Walmart, even though we're ragging on you. Fucking Walmart. We love you, Wally World. One of my go -to over -the -counter meds, which I absolutely love, and this goes back to my Navy days, is fucking NyQuil, okay? Oh, yes. And I'm talking about the original Green Death. Yes. We used to sell that shit on a black market on Navy ships for like five bucks a shot, like if you couldn't sleep. So it has a shitload of alcohol in it, right? And as a recovering alcoholic, that's probably not the best thing for me to be taking, but I don't chug it like it's fucking Jack Daniels. I don't put a straw in it and fucking go to town.

20:51 I use it to help me sleep. Now, I'm in Tennessee. Tennessee is part of the Bible Belt. Right. And the Bible Belt has some built -in restrictions on things that you can and can't sell on Sundays before noon, meaning alcohol. Having said that. Walmart will card you for NyQuil because of the amount of alcohol that's in it. When you go to self -checkout, it'll get flagged. They have to come over. And most of the people there know me by now. They don't even ask for my ID anymore. They just do their little code, and they approve it, and they move along. Sometimes they actually will card you to see if you're 21 to buy NyQuil. Early in my recovery from alcohol, I was drinking this zero alcohol beer, O'Doul's. Now, O'Doul's has 0 .05 % alcohol, so there is still some alcohol in it, okay? Because the technology has improved, there are some beers out there now that are truly 0 % alcohol. Guinness Zero, dude. Heineken Zero, which is fucking awesome, right? Guinness Zero is really good for cooking, believe it or not.

21:45 First time I got Heineken Zero, I got carded. I'm like, you realize... There's no alcohol in this, right? They're like, oh, no. This lady was like, oh, some beers, even though it says that some beers, I'm like, no. It literally says on here 0 .0, not a speck. Yeah. She's like, well, it's considered beer. That's why, you know. Okay, you're making this shit up, ma 'am. This might as well just be a beer flavored soda. She was talking out of her ass. But anyway, so you get carded for non -alcoholic beer. You also get carded for NyQuil. And you also cannot buy alcohol before noon on Sunday. Do you see where I'm going with this? Yes. Okay. So I decided to be. that guy one time recently. So it was a Sunday morning. It was 10, 1030 in the morning and I wanted to test a theory. So I went and got some NyQuil and I'm doing the self -checkout and it flags me for the ID. So she comes over and she knows me. I mean, I don't have any problem with this particular person. So she puts the code in and I'm like, I have a question for you.

22:35 It is Sunday morning. It is not noon. You're carding me for an alcoholic beverage, but you're going to allow me to buy it even though it's not noon. How does that work? And she goes. Dead silence. And she knows me by name. She's like, Jake, I don't write the rules here. What are you busting my balls here for? Love that. Okay. Now, if I had come through that line and if I had had a six pack of O'Doul's or Heineken Zero or regular beer for that matter, along with the NyQuil, I couldn't have bought the beer. I could have bought the NyQuil, though. They would have carded me for the NyQuil, but they would have said, you have to wait until 12 to buy the beer. I'm a connoisseur of all the quills, all the NyQuils. The quills, yeah. He's a quill connoisseur. There's two new ones. There's a pain quill, which is basically Tylenol in NyQuil form. And there's a daytime version and there's a nighttime version.

23:20 And both of those have, guess what? Alcohol. Alcohol. And it's the same amount of alcohol in NyQuil or DayQuil. First time I saw this, I'm like, oh, this is pretty cool. I want to try this, right? So I got a box, and the box had a daytime version and a nighttime version. And it says right on the box, contains 10 % alcohol. Same amount of alcohol that's in NyQuil. Why does NyQuil have so much alcohol in it? So you can sleep. Yeah. Peacefully. I go through self -checkout, does not get flagged to be ID. Are you fucking serious? Does not. Maybe it's not in their system correctly to notify them that it should be. Yeah, Don, we probably need to start that LLC pretty soon because Walmart's going to start suing my ass. That's fair. They don't have anybody to sue yet. So that's the important thing. Goddamn. These people be ragging.

24:01 Be like, then be a better company. I'm in the mood for like a grill. Oh, wait. No, it's Sunday. I can't. Fucking. Chick -fil -A. Oh, my God. Yeah, see, we're getting cock -blocked all over the place here. Fuck. Never mind. I guess I'm not going to Chick -fil -A today. I wanted to get a grilled chicken sandwich. Chicken -blocked by Chick -fil -A on a fucking Sunday. They have that new barbecue smokehouse one. It looks really good. I wanted to try. They got a new sandwich that has cilantro lime sauce on it. I definitely want to fucking try that. Where is this? Not in my market. Chick -fil -A. Maybe that's only by you. Well, don't tell me that shit the fucking day it's Sunday. I know.