Your Stupid Is Showing

0:00 this motherfucker and you can edit that out if you want to are you fucking serious what do the rest of them hookers look like damn what the fuck did you do really perks your nipples up my nipples would bing you could go fork a yard and it would fork it up bad that is forked up i tell my dogs if you keep it up i'm gonna fuck you up they somehow understand that oh shit what That sounds like what PTSD is made of, Melinda. Don't try to gaslight me, motherfucker. I'm Jake Jacobs. This is Sammy. This is the Don. And you're listening to What The Fuck. Welcome to What The Fuck, the podcast where we say all the things you're thinking. But probably shouldn't. Today's guest is someone who's lived about five lives in one. She raised six kids, survived a divorce, and then built her own business in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee, renting cabins and living her best entrepreneur life. She's funny. She's got stories. She's got grit. And trust me, she's got some serious what -the -fuck moments to share.

1:11 Please welcome my friend, Melinda. Melinda and I met. I got hired to DJ her son's wedding, which was fantastic. The music was great because you did it. I mean, pat yourself on the back. So I have cabins and I have cleaners that take care of them, of course. When you're cleaning up after people, there's a lot you learn about them. A lot of it's too much information, but they leave the evidence and that's on them, right? So you get some laughs sometimes. In my cabin, I have these log beds. They're made. of logs. They're not dovetailed. There's screws involved and that sort of thing, but it's heavy duty logs. Heavy wood. And then cleaners will send pictures of any damage caused by guests or anything unusual requires extra cleaning. So I get this picture and this is a turn, which means people left at 11. They got five hours to clean it at four o 'clock. New guests are coming in. People coming in. Get it done. We got to get it looking brand spanking new, pristine by four o 'clock. clock, right? They sent me a picture of this bed. And when I tell you the bed was twisted, the logs were distorted in a way that I cannot describe adequately, but this had never happened before.

2:21 It's never happened since. Nobody had informed me about a problem with the bed. So I reach out to them and I messaged the picture of this bed that is completely destroyed. And I said, Hey, my bed is broken. What they said next was, what the fuck? At the pro level, huh? Oh, yeah. They said, what's the weight limit on that bed? And I was like, I mean, two tons? It's a log bed. An elephant could probably sit comfortably on it. Absolutely. Like a baby elephant. What kind of fat ass? What kind of mental pictures does it bring to your mind? Like, how did this happen?

3:04 They didn't try to explain it. They just said, what's the weight limit? And then they said be $1 ,200. I went and called the furniture store and I was like, get me a bed now. And they did. And we got it all ready for the next guest. So, so they didn't even deny it. They were just like, fuck it. Here's your 1200 bucks. We fucked this shit up for you. When they say the weight limit, I'm like, how many people doing what, you know, Cause it was, there's a lot of force involved. Was that a King size? It was a King size log bed. Holy. Yeah. Jesus Christ. That must've been one hell of an orgy. I was about to say, did they have an orgy with like 20 people? It looked like jumping was involved and I don't know what all, but I just, I try not to let my mind go too far down that road. Just fix it. Give me the money and I won't ask any more questions.

3:54 It becomes irrelevant once the client says, yeah, we broke it. Here's your check. It's like, I don't give a shit after that. Now, just out of curiosity, bro, do you guys have video at all? Is there some fucking pictures or some video? Because I got to see this. Oh, my God. One of the funnier ones, too, was when the people call. and tell you what they did. I had people break a dining table. And I mean, it was like a dining table for like 10 people. It was pretty big. And it was only two people staying there. It was a larger cabin, but they got some money or something. And they're just going to party in this big cabin. And they call me. It's like 730. I'm going to dinner. They're drunk. And they're just like, I'm so sorry. We broke your dining table. And I was like, how did you do that? They were like, we're so sorry. We're drunk. And we'll just give you the money. And they paid $1 ,200.

4:45 and bought me a brand new solid wood log table. They were willing to. They just fucking gave you that, like, please don't send us to jail. They were happy to pay it, and I was happy to get a new table, but I was just like, I mean, they broke the thing. They must have been dancing on it or who knows what all. So you never found out? No. Melinda, you've got to do a better job. You've got to get in there. You've got to dig. So if you know the table is $900. Right. They offer you toys. So you ask for fifteen hundred bucks. You're like, listen. For a video. For some details. They were so nice about it, too. And they were like, where did you get this coffee maker? We love this coffee maker. And this was the best mattress we'd ever slept on. And usually people are pissed about having to pay an extra $1 ,200 on top of everything else. But they didn't care. And so I love those kind of people. But when you're happy to do that. Like, break it, buy me a new one, and be happy about it. That's ideal. I did have one time this mother, which is against the rules, third part. party reservations where your mom, you're 18 and you want to go party with your friends and your mom gets your reservation as an adult and sends the kids out there to destroy the cabin. This happened one time. I think it was another $1 ,200 deal. And I mean, there was beer on the ceiling. They were chasing each other through the house. So they destroyed a coffee table and the door frames were broken. Like they'd lock themselves in a room and somebody's like trying to get in and all that stuff. And so, and I called the mother and she was like, I'm so sorry. Sorry. I was

6:17 like, she paid for it, but it's like, what did this kid learn? You know, your mom's going to pay for it when you go and trash somebody else's house. Your mom's going to bail you out. Yeah. But you can't fix it for people. I had a kid leave a basketball as a joke inside the sofa bed, you know, where you fold it up and we unfold it to clean it and all this stuff. And this basketball just pops out. So that was pretty funny one. I've had five different firearms left at my properties and it pisses me off. It's like, if you have a. firearm and you can't remember to take it with you when you leave, then you should not have it. So they hide it. So they'll put it under the mattress or they'll put it in a dresser drawer under some blankets and then forget it. I had somebody call me. That's exactly right. It was in a kid's bedroom, like a bunk room. And they're like, we found this loaded gun in the dresser there. They said, we have guns, so we're not freaked out, but we're upset because a kid could have found this. And I was like, the police are on their way. The Gatlinburg police are amazing.

7:16 They got there like within 15 minutes and took the fire. I mean, I've had my maintenance man deal with it, but I've had this call before. A wife calls. These people have been gone for like two hours. They're on the road. Instead of this guy owning up to. I left my gun behind. He has his wife call, you know? Well, my husband left his gun and he just wants to know if you'll ship it back to him. And I was like, I don't do that. No, that's not. Then I had to put it in my rental agreement. A rental agreement is like three pages long because of shit like this. You know, where it was like, if you bring a firearm, you're responsible to take it with you because I'm not shipping it. It'll be turned over to police and you can get it back from them if you want. I was always a big fan. Just call them up and belittle them a little bit. Just for sport.

8:01 Hey, so, forget anything, did you? A little shame never hurt no one. Oh, yeah. And you get this customer service voice. I'm sure you guys have been in customer service. If they're being mean, you know, you kind of put on your Southern accent. Oh, honey, you know, we'll help you. We'll take care of you, Karen. Like, don't worry. We're going to get somebody over there. You know, try to. Pull it back a little bit and get, you know, you can manipulate people a little bit with the customer service voice. That's just a trade secret. Don't let that one out. Customer service, Sammy, is about two octaves higher than this. You know what I found in the hospitality business? The people that get into and prosper. are the most caring people you've ever met in your life. They really and truly want to do everything possible to make your experience as perfect as possible.

8:55 All they want in return is just a little consideration, a little consideration, a little of the same, right? A smile, right? Just a little return on that. Smile investment, right? We're helping people go on vacation. What could be better? We want you to have the best time. And people should be happy, right? They should smile. And what you find a lot of times is that people have these unrealistic expectations. That the facility, everything should be perfect. I had somebody tell me it had dryer lint behind the dryer. And I was like, but have you seen the mountain view? Because I thought that's what you came for. I didn't know you came for the dryer lint. Well, don't go behind the dryer. Every toilet apparently is fair game. As far as if it's not going to clog up your toilet, you know, you'll just go clog up any toilet anywhere. You know, please do not flush baby wipes, puppies and kittens, hopes and dreams, you know, feminine products and all of that. Not dude wipes either. Yeah.

9:52 Don't put dude wipes in there. Where do we do with the toilet paper? We can't flush the toilet. Put it in the fucking hole. That's why I won't let Jake be one of my customer service managers. See, you know, I would just be, why don't you go out into the woods where the bears shit? Or do that, actually. The bears? I had this lady cancel because she's like, I didn't know there would be bears. I'm like, this is why people come to Gatlinburg, because they want to see the bears. She's like, well, you know, I have kids. And so, you know, I have to cancel because bears are seen in the vicinity in Gatlinburg. That's the territory. walk by. That's the draw.

10:32 You know, and I wanted to say, first of all, your kids are going to be really mad if they thought that they could have had bears walk by the cabin and you canceled it. That's what I wanted to say. True. But what I also wanted to say was, well, I mean, the bears have only eaten three children so far this season. So out of the thousands that have come, like statistically, you're probably fine. And they only eat kids that are under 50 pounds. So, you know, maybe just supervise them. You know, if there's an adult with them, they're less likely to get eaten. If they're well behaved, they say, those are the good ones. Believe in me. We just want the little shitheads. If your kids are naughty, you might want this cabin. We used to spend a lot of time there, and I was there for a conference one time. So we're sitting down on the patio eating dinner, and this big black bear, larger than you normally see, came running right across the... God, my wife is going, bear, bear, bear.

11:31 This young man, and he was on vacation, clearly not from the United States, with this beautiful little girl, tiny little thing. And they were going out there to visit the bear. And I was like, do, do, do, do. I went out there and grabbed them. I ran down the stairs and grabbed them. I was like, uh -uh. You've got to stay 50 feet from them. Did you not get the memo about these fucking man -eaters? You leave them alone. They leave you alone. He had no idea what a bear was. We had people post on social media. It was not at my cabin, but one of these social media divas, this is what I'm doing. This is what I'm wearing. This is what I'm putting on my face. They were feeding pizza to the bear that had come up on the porch and posting live. Of course, wildlife got called on them. know you get fined i mean there are laws yeah you're not supposed to do that yeah so you don't fuck with the bears don't play with the bears i had one in my car and i mean that sucker was waiting for me because i went up to a cabin i wasn't in there 10 minutes and i hadn't locked my car i was in there with my daughter i hadn't locked my car which is one of the rules we tell people lock your car no food in the car luckily i had no food in the car because i'd left my keys in the car too She sees the bear in the car. And so we go to the door and are trying to scare the bear. Get out of here. Get out of here. And the bear cares not. that it's being yelled at it's in there looking for food going through the car so i go running up to the car and open up the hatch kind of like let's make sure you have an escape because if they get trapped in the car if they pull the

13:02 door shut they will tear your interior like they'll panic and just tear everything they will total your car So I opened up the hatch and then I ran around. I'm yelling at her. And then I opened up the passenger door and I got in and grabbed my keys. And on my keys, I have a noisemaker. It goes. And then she figured out there was no food in there. So she just gets out, lumbers off into the woods. And, you know, when you see, like, you know, the claws are going to tear up your car. So I was like, I'm the stupidest person ever. I didn't lock my car. But she must have just been waiting there at the edge of the woods. Just, you know, like they know, like this is part of their MO now. They know where the people are. They know where the food is. They know how stupid we are. They just go and help themselves.

13:48 The one other story I was going to tell about some cabin damage. that was kind of unique was the base of a toilet was... Broken, shattered, destroyed by a pool ball. Nice. Yeah. So figure out how that one happened. Kids just were hurling them at each other and hard enough to break the whole base of a toilet. Those are hard. Why would you chuck them at each other? You had to replace the whole toilet and you got to pay for that. Was that $1 ,200 by any chance? No, toilets are much cheaper than that. That's an expensive shitter. 120 bucks, like it's a whole ceramic thing, you know. Yeah, yeah. They're pretty cheap, but, you know. 120 bucks for the toilet, 500 bucks to get the plumber to install that bitch. Sometimes there's an upcharge for being rude or. Absolutely.

14:34 Or the inconvenience charge or something like that. Stupidity charge. If your name or your story makes it to a what the fuck episode. You fucked up somehow. You kind of did. And you can probably laugh about it. I mean, that's what our country needs as much as anything is being able to laugh at ourselves again. One of my favorite reviews was the lady said, we found and used Band -Aid, but it turned out to be my nephew's. Okay, well, then why the fuck did you post that? Why bother even telling me? Why did you post that? She posted it. To me? Oh, my God. You're as stupid as showing.